Clandestine Confessions

I was trying to outrun the memories.
Reach the end of this journey before they caught up to stop me on my mission to full freedom.
But I was losing ground.
The space that was forming between us grew smaller.
The panic set in as I watched them get closer.
More visible.
More tangible.
More real.
Fighting to no longer remain a prisoner to my past.
Longing to break free to be a part of my present.
Believing they belonged here.
Believing their work was not finished.
Believing they still had more to teach me.
To say to me.
To save me from.
Running towards me as they answered to the call of my emotions.
Emotions that believed the relief from the pain rested in these flashbacks.
Emotions that had not yet learned revisiting them had yet to bring peace to my mind.
Had yet to heal me.
Had yet to bring me relief.
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I could not blame my emotions for seeking answers.
Regardless of whether it was the right place or not.
I knew I promised I would not forget.
I knew I promised to keep the memories close.
I knew I promised to never despise these pieces of a former life.
But that was before I suffered the consequences of remembering.
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Desperately I clung to every memory to not break my vow.
Every detail.
Every word.
Every feeling.
Every scent.
Every sight.
Every touch.
And if ever the vision would start to slip, I would replay it again.
I would relive it again.
I would feel it again.
I would see it again.
I would recreate it to preserve it better this time.
Going back to the place of pain and fear and darkness just so I would not forget how it felt.
Just to make it real again.
Fearing if I let them fade this story would get lost.
This pain would never find its purpose.
The war that still waged would never be validated.
–
What would become of me?
How could I honor the former selves that fought for me to exist if I abandoned what they endured?
I believed keeping the past close was what would be required to bring others into the light.
How could I save others if I forgot what it was like to live without the sun.
But then again, if I never left the dark, how could I be the proof the storm doesn’t last forever?
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How do you forget without forgetting?
How do you let go without leaving behind it all?
How do you sacrifice your direction without getting lost?
How do you lose your identity without losing yourself?
–
Here was the unknown middle ground I found myself standing upon leading up to May 28th, 2021.
The place with more questions than answers.
And with questions only I could answer.
Answers on which my survival depended.
Answers the memories held but holding to the memories hid.
–
Day by day I practiced the balance to take what I needed from the memories when they found me.
And then let the present, with all its newness and all its joy and all its hope and all its life write over what remained.
The memories having their redemption.
The mind finding its peace.
And my soul living in its purpose.
It was then, and only then, my emotions felt safe to let this story begin to write an end.