Clandestine Confessions

September 27, 2020
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I had the most vivid dream that was in the same color as the beginning of the Wizard of Oz – not black and white but the brownish tones.
I was standing in a strapless dress on a walkway (much resembling the look of a boardwalk) that was over a lake nestled within giant snow capped mountains.
It was extremely windy causing the water to spray everywhere. Despite the cold, the mist on my face was refreshing.
I was trying to capture the beauty of the scenery on my phone but gave up because of the wind. I could not keep my hand steady.
I was twirling around in immense bliss; releasing the most abundantly joyful laugh. The smile on my face felt like it could never be wiped away ever again.
I felt so alive.
Out of the corner of my eye I see a man staring at me smiling.
Somewhat long, straight, dirty blonde hair.
A beard.
A captivating grin.
Bright, sparkling eyes.
He was wearing khaki shorts and a striped baja hoodie.
I began walking towards him.
“Would you like my coat?” he asked me. “It is cold out here.”
Afraid that to say yes would be a betrayal to the men in my life, I declined.
My loyalty demanded it.
I then looked down over the walkway and saw words written in the sand. The waves hit the shore quicker than I could read what it said.
I asked the man and he replied, “surrender to live”.
I then woke up.
With an immediate regret over not taking the coat…
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May 27, 2021
–
Fastforward exactly eight months later.
I had a dream I was standing in the sanctuary of my church in North Carolina talking to my spiritual father/mentor.
He was talking to me about the importance of letting go. He ended it by saying, “surrender to live.”
I could hear a Phil Wickham song playing in the sanctuary.
“It’s Always Been You”.
I walked through the doors, stood right in the middle of the room, and with arms raised just began singing along.
I did not care who was staring or how I looked.
Nothing mattered.
I felt so alive.
Once the song was over, I woke up.
–
While driving to my friend’s wedding rehearsal that same day I decided to play the song I was singing in my dream.
Wondering if God had something hidden within it He wanted me to know.
As it was playing an “828” license plate drove by.
Immediately followed by one that read “URFREED”.
I cried in pure bliss the whole way to the hotel.
And I made a promise that at least for the next 24 hours I was going to live unto what that license plate stated.
I was going to be Just Jenna – unbound to any part of my past, trauma, wounds, or mistakes.
Nothing holding me back from being the woman I always envisioned I would become.
I was going to go “all in” with this life and see what would happen…
–
May 28, 2021
–
The wedding day came.
At this point, I had already connected with one of the groomsmen at the rehearsal dinner the night prior. We had talked for a few hours getting to know one another, never skimming the surface within that time. There were deep conversations mixed with immense laughter.
We picked up right where we left off when we met back up during the photo session preceding the ceremony.
The weather was extremely frigid and windy. You could feel the mist coming off of the ocean.
I was shivering the whole time taking photos yet was so unbothered by it all.
It just felt so good to soak in the sensation of being immersed in life again – such a stark contrast from the last six months.
–
It was while walking the boardwalk with the groomsman back to the hotel when the déjà vu moment happened.
“Can I please offer you my jacket?” he asked.
I have been here before…
“But then you will be cold. I cannot do that to you,” I said.
“No need to worry about me. I am made for this weather. Trust me.”
(I had learned the night prior he lived in Utah.)
He began taking off his jacket.
I thought back to the dream, and the regret, and the wonder…
So I didn’t stop him.
He draped it over my shoulders.
–
And with that, something shifted in me.
The loyalty vanished.
The life within erupted.
The joy broke through.
The full effect I would not feel until later in the evening.
“So,” I say smiling as I look over at him. “Tell me about this Utah.”
We would spend the whole walk back talking about all he likes about the state, the weather, places to visit, what lead him to move there.
“You should come visit sometime. You would love it,” he said.
And there it was…