Clandestine Confessions

“Would you like to dance?” he asked with one arm outstretched towards me, the other behind his back.
I had been saving this life experience, my first slow dance with a man, for a specific someone.
It was to be an act of redemption for an experience that passed us by twelve years ago at that point (strangely enough to the VERY day…).
But the likelihood of that chance ever existing was one more instance of me recognizing my worth away from an impossibility.
How long was I going to wait on others to come alive?
How much more could I tolerate of watching life pass me by?
I looked up at his eyes, he gave me a smile.
Not one more second…
I released my hold on the vision and grasped his hand.
“I would love to,” I say.
–
One slow dance would turn into five over the course of the reception; the fourth one divinely orchestrated by God.
My healing.
An impartation of truth.
One surrounding my value that would come to magnify the joy in me, amplify the life in me, and solidify my resolve that I am never going back – to who I became, the choices I made, the life I was living.
–
“Finally//Beautiful Stranger” by Halsey was playing.
I felt eyes on us.
I could see the camera pointed right in our direction.
“You know,” I say with a slight laugh. “You never realize how long a song is until you are being stared at while it is playing.”
Upon the sound of my voice, his eyes were now on me too.
“First, know it is not at all a bad thing they are looking at you. Second, now you have me very aware of song length.”
I laughed at his latter point while the initial statement worked its way into my mind.
Slowly comprehending the gift I was just given – permission to be known, to be seen.
–
It was an inherent right I spent the six months prior to this slowly sacrificing as I allowed myself to live as someone’s secret….
My existence being erased.
All traces of my presence covertly covered up.
My name losing its value.
The irony of it all being that a vow spoken from someone I trusted for years to let me be seen is what resulted in my invisibility.
And there I was with a stranger up until 24 hours ago being the one who lived up to it. Unbeknownst to him, his words being used to return me home to authenticity – to the woman who fought through unfathomable, incomprehensible darkness in order to stand boldly in the light.
–
I could feel the warmth on my skin again.
The peace, the bliss, the hope, the life.
Why did I ever surrender this…?
Nothing I could have ever gained would have been worth the cost of losing this euphoria – with only an empty promise to cling to it would be mine again.
–
The song faded out to an end.
He slowly moved away.
“I am going to get a drink. Can I get you one?”
“No, but thank you.”
I had hoped he recognized by the inflection of my voice I was expressing gratitude for something much more than his offer.
“You are welcome. I’ll be back.”
–
I walked over to my table as he walked to the bar.
I grabbed my phone to see a text waiting for me.
I left it unopened, took a bite of cake, and headed back out to the dance floor.
Because that is the response of a woman who is freed and healed.
Who walks in truth and wisdom.
Who remembers who she is and Whose she is.
Who speaks life and thrives in the yes.
–
And I have not stopped choosing to live as her since…