Clandestine Confessions

I took him up on his invitation to visit Utah a few months after the wedding to celebrate (and bring redemption to) my 8/28.
Further explanation to come on why that date…
_
My trip was originally just going to be to that one state.
I would fly there and explore for a week.
But I remember one evening sitting at my counter eating chocolate chip pancakes, scrolling through flights, and thinking to myself “hold up…when in the world did I become such a small dreamer…?”
The whole purpose of this trip was to have an adventure that reflected my authenticity.
An effort to reclaim my identity after the past year.
To make a statement that I was done living small.
And that nobody and nothing would EVER again steal from me my joy and my life.
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So that night I tore down all my limitations, my fears, my doubts.
I ignored the voice of my past shouting at me to “stay in my lane” of worth.
And I created a vision.
A vision that we would come to be known as my cross-country road trip…
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One week became three.
A flight became a rental car.
One state became twenty four.
Two national parks became sixteen.
A dream became reality.
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I could never have imagined how radically my life would change from this trip.
How different it would look a year later.
I didn’t get in that car on August 25 planning to fall head over heels in love.
I didn’t plan on colliding headfirst with a bliss that I’d never feel content until feeling again.
I didn’t plan on becoming a version of myself that I would become so infatuated with being.
I didn’t plan on developing an obsession with the feeling of life coursing through my veins.
With the sound of the breath in my lungs.
With the rhythm of my heartbeat.
I didn’t plan on everything I once prayed away now becoming all that I could never live without…
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In fact, I really didn’t plan anything at all.
I created a rough itinerary but made most of this trip up as I went.
Which made it all the more beautiful and memorable.
And true to my spirit.
I slept in my car for all but three nights.
My first night outside of Chicago (which is when I quickly realized I am better off in my car).
My first night in Utah (needed a shower before seeing a friend).
My last two days in the Smokey Mountains (that little cabin became a place of immense healing).
And it was perfect that way.
I was so content with so little.
Never knowing where I would end up or what I would see.
I showered at Planet Fitness when I could find one.
I did most of the brushing of my teeth in Starbucks bathrooms.
Love’s and Maverick saw most of my ten step skincare routine at night (priorities…ha).
I never gave much thought to my body or what I was eating because never did it seem more irrelevant.
I was too unbothered to be bothered with the obsessions of a former self.
I was just living for the moment.
Living in the purpose.
Living for life.
Which is what allowed me the great privilege to create countless core memories I now have the honor of being able to share…