Clandestine Confessions

It was an afternoon in early April.
We were sitting on his bedroom floor (once our office) in our apartment about to make our final decision – do we keep trying or do we officially let this see a conclusion?
We had been broken up but still living together for the past four months.
I knew what needed to be done, but that knowing did not eliminate my fear of letting go of him, this life, the certainty of it all.
–
“I am going to ask you a question Boo. If you were about to board a plane to Italy right now, and I asked you to stay for me, would you?”
I lifted my head. Our eyes locked.
He watched the tear slowly fall.
It spoke the words I could not.
“I know,” he said. “I believe I always have. You were meant for more than the life I could offer would be able to give. You were created to fly. So go be free butterfly. The world needs you.”
–
Fast forward to the night before I left on my trip.
I called him as I was packing.
The honor and respect in which we ended things has allowed us to maintain a treasured friendship.
I told him I had a work question (which I technically did) but there was another motive.
He was getting ready to hang up to make his dinner when I intervened his goodbye.
“Before you go, I need to thank you. And all I ask is that you accept it, no rebuttal. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Whether you realize it or not, you helped make all of this reality. Your love, your encouragement, your refusal to ever let me accept where I was as where I would always be. You matched my insane stubbornness, knowing my resistance was based in fear, and kept challenging me. You pushed me beyond what I thought I could be or do. You sacrificed your dream of us so that I could live out dreams like the one about to unfold. We may not have been meant for forever, but for a time, you were everything I needed. Thank you.”
“You did the work. But you are welcome. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.”
–
I sent him pictures throughout the trip. Just to give him evidence that those words I spoke were truth.
That we made the right decision.
That it wasn’t all for nothing.
And that it worked….
All of the times he made me take three bites of his food along with my meal.
All of the times he had me stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful.
All of the times he just let me be authentically myself – joining me in kitchen dance parties and car karaoke.
All of the times he whisked me away on random weekend adventures to show me the more that existed beyond my four walls.
And all of the times he allowed half of my brain to hate him when he fought back against the darkness – making it now possible for all of it to now be eternally grateful for his presence.
–
He was the first person I wanted to see upon my return to Virginia.
We met at our usual spot in Starbucks after I dropped off the rental.
We talked for an hour – exchanging life updates, me telling him all that I have been doing and all that has changed within me.
“Look at you,” he said. “Being and doing exactly all you ever envisioned. So full of life and joy. I always believed you could do it. You are ready to take on the world now.”
–
I gave him a long hug goodbye.
“Geeze, you grew. I cannot slouch anymore when hugging you.”
“Ha, same thing my dad noticed.”
“Well I always said I would have to leave you if you got taller than me so good thing we already ended things.”
We both smiled. I gave a slight laugh.
“Yes, I suppose we were right on time. I love you.”
He shot me the “do you?” look I have come to know so well.
“Yes, I do. Always will. No matter what.”
He left to go to the office. I stayed back to write.
About a wedding I had planned with someone else….
–
For months there was a part of me that desperately wished he could have stopped me from going where I did after our breakup.
But another part of me (that part becoming a whole during my trip) knowing it was not his job to be my hero. That this was a dragon I had to slay myself.
And although he wasn’t able to save me, he still assisted in my coming back to life upon my return.
Me arriving home battered and exhausted, he helped clean out the wounds – without question or judgement. Simply wanting to uphold his promise to always take care of me.
He even had a cake waiting for me for a delayed birthday celebration – making sure to not let that day go unnoticed.
His acts of loyalty making it possible for him to meet the Jenna he just did in Starbucks.
–
Love will make you better.
And I am grateful I was given the privilege to experience his in this lifetime.
Even if not for a lifetime….