The hardest part of the ending of my “relationship” in 2021 was not the loss of the person.
That actually became the easiest aspect of it all.
Facing betrayal with eyes wide open, not blinded by the illusion of love, will do that to you.
The more you see, the less you need.
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The most difficult part was the life I lost in the process of trying to be chosen by that human being.
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It was an incredibly jarring experience that day in March when the adrenaline of the pursuit wore off.
To look around and see myself surrounded by the rubble of a once painstakingly beautifully built life.
Realizing how many dreams, how much of myself, how many of my hard-fought victories I willingly allowed to be destroyed for empty promises and unhealed wounds.
Desperation drove my decisions.
And my decisions brought me to desolation.
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But despite that all, I would be lying if I did not say right now that it is the life event I thank God for second to most.
I made a promise to myself to never hate pain nor regret it.
Do I sometimes wish I could have taken an easier/less destructive route to end up at the same place? Absolutely.
But I trust (and have enough evidence to support) that there is no damage too great that cannot be redeemed.
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See, it was in the losing of my life that I realized how sacred it is to me.
And it was in realizing how much it meant to me that I set out to go find it again.
Through a cross county road trip.
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I’ll never forget that rush of euphoria as I got behind the wheel of the rental car for the first time.
Knowing the journey I was about to embark on but not yet able to comprehend the expanse of all that was about to take place.
All I would see and feel and discover.
All that would transform.
All I would surrender.
All I would become.
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So many moments I wondered how it took me so long to get here – as it seemed like a common sense yes I should have already spoken.
But I also trusted I was right on time.
The losing of it all had to precede this moment.
That I knew.
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I had to first experience the depth of the darkness that is existing void of any life within me.
I had to live in my “wants”.
I had to become acquainted with living in the pain.
For it would then give definition to life in the purpose.
Enhance the vibrancy of living in the more.
Show me all that I ever actually needed.
And ultimately, lead me home…
regaining the life i gave away…
About Me
I am a woman on a mission to turn her pain into purpose using her passion for writing. This blog is the journey of my becoming, excerpts from the pages of my book of life – the good and bad and everything in between – written with the intent to heal, to guide, to inspire…
I write to document the tale of a heroine slaying every dragon that comes her way for she knows she is the only one who can save herself.
I write to tell the story of a woman brought back to life; a chronicle of rebirth to show the power of hope and redemption.
I write to give meaning to every yes spoken – whether in shouts or whispers, in fear or bravery.
I write to share with the world the story of what happens when one believes in the beauty of a better tomorrow. What happens when one refuses to settle for anything less than butterflies. What happens when a mere spark you defiantly declined to let go out ignites into an inferno.
I write to open the eyes of all those who feel like the victim in their own story to see that they are not helpless or damaged or weak. They are in control. They have everything within to become the victor.
I write to speak life into the grieving to allow words laced in truth and love to mend the wounds inhibiting the heart from moving forward.
I write for the invisible to feel seen. I write to lead us all on the journey to the happily ever after….it is waiting to be lived by each of us <3
Clandestine Confessions 
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