Clandestine Confessions

“Excuse me miss, you look so familiar.”
I was walking back to my car in Chicago when he stopped me.
“Do I know you from somewhere?” he asked.
(This question has been a reoccurring one in my life. And I am at 0 out of about a 1,000 for actually knowing the person.)
“I am a little far from home at the moment so not too sure,” I said with a laugh.
“Where from?”
“Washington D.C.”
“Oh yeah, definitely never have crossed paths. Maybe you have a doppelganger out in the world. Or maybe you resemble a celebrity?!”
I watched his eyes work down to my shoes as he was talking.
“Whoa! How do you keep them so white?”
It was at this point I realized I was about to be sold something or asked to donate money.
(I was right with the latter.)
–
He would soon after introduce himself as Gabriel.
The younger version of myself that once wanted children had planned to name her first son that.
I was brought back to what a “less lived J” dreamed of having at 30 years old while living in the reality of what a “wiser J” saw for her life.
And I only felt peace – reassurance I was always meant to end up right here in this moment.
–
It became a theme throughout the trip.
To be living in all I ever needed while being reminded of what I thought I had wanted.
Ironically, him and I got on the topic of commitment issues further into our forty minute long conversation – the fear of being held down, losing ourselves, missing out on certain dreams.
(One of the many reasons the Gabriel I once dreamed will likely never exist.)

“So what brings you to Chicago?” he eventually inquired.
“A cross country road trip actually.”
He became the first person I told (outside of family and my close friends) what I was doing.
I found myself standing a little taller as I said it.
An ego free pride coursing through my body as it sunk in what God was orchestrating.
To say it out loud added a new depth of bliss and excitement for this adventure.
And also over the woman I had the privilege to be living as while carrying out this dream.
It all became real…
–
He was immediately intrigued.
Asking the questions of where, how, when, why…
“Well, the abridged version is I saw how quickly life can transform this past year. How rapidly things can slip through your fingers or be taken from you. And I told myself I didn’t want to keep sitting on the sidelines of my own life, knowing at any second everything could change to make certain dreams harder to achieve. Or have them not be possible at all. So I decided to just go for it. To say yes. I refused to let any trauma induced fear keep me frozen in a life that didn’t reflect my spirit.”
“Man, go you! I could never do what you are doing. You inspire me.”
–
Those words would be spoken frequently throughout my three week journey (and beyond).
And it always took me by surprise.
Because to me I was not doing anything special.
I was doing the only thing I knew to do – live.
This was my normal.
To do anything but live so boldly and radically felt like a betrayal to my authenticity.
And never again would I wage war against that God given identity.
–
“Weeds! You look like the actress from that TV show!” he abruptly exclaimed.
He pulls out his phone to Google her to show me.
(I undeniably did not resemble this woman….ha.)
And just like that we were back on the first part of our conversation.
Which felt like a good place to make my exit.
–
“Thank you for this Gabriel. A perfect way to end my first stop. Remember to keep saying yes to life. You will never regret it.”
(I could not depart without leaving my mark.)
–
And with those final words, I was off – more places to see, more people to meet, and more life to live unto…