Clandestine Confessions

I took a 24 hour adventure to Denver a few months ago.
Leave it to me to drive 8 hours for a concert.
And then straight back through the night to make it home in time for work.
In the middle of a treacherous snowstorm.
Not exactly the safest decision, but I exist for the thrill of it all – having learned to live on that fine line of fearless while not reckless.
Some would call me crazy…but this insanity is what keeps me sane.
Back on the road, being in the moment, exploring new places, existing in anonymity – it is what grounds me while still keeping me in flight.
“You have your happy aura back,” my coworker said that Sunday, with no idea what my plans were in just a few short hours.
I felt it…the life coursing through my veins in full force. Nothing else mattering. All worries to the wayside.
Back in my element of living in the yes…
–
I took the same route to Colorado as I did when I left my friend’s house in August 2021 to get to Arches National Park.
When I was chasing the sunset – a story now deep in the archives of my writing history here on Facebook.
It was at the sight of the first plateau, the mountains now in the distance, when the nostalgia overcame me.
The butterflies in the stomach preempting the tears slowly falling down my cheeks.
“How is this even my life….? ”
–
And to think that I was only ever one choice away from this reality never existing.
Because here is the untold truth…
That text at Yellowstone almost didn’t happen.
The one that brought me to August 30th.
I was utterly petrified to reach out…as in hands shaking, heart racing, rapid breathing, “is this the end of me?!?!” terrified.
Mind you, he was this man who I knew for all of 24 hours, who I just assumed I would never see again (and said goodbye to him as such) and was now going to randomly reach out exactly three months later to say I was going to be in Utah.
Very strongly doubt he actually thought I would ever take him up on his “you should come visit sometime” when walking back to the hotel on the wedding day.
–
I was maimed by this intense fear of rejection, one exaggerated by the events of the first half of the year.
It running rampant in what was meant to be a time of zero anxieties.
Suffocating the spontaneity out of me.
Crippling my confidence.
And as soon as I would be hit with 5 seconds of insane courage, something would happen….
I’d lose service (common occurrence in national parks which is normally why I loved them so much…the complete disconnection from the world).
A man with his stuffed dead dog would ask me to take their photo (without a doubt the most interesting encounter I had the entirety of my trip. Although, right up there with the woman at Starbucks insistent on her husband and her petting my hair…).
I’d get stopped to give directions (even though I was equally lost. But glad to know I was exuding the confidence of someone who has lived such an adventure before).
My phone would overheat (not the first time and not the last – my phone also now refusing to charge past 80%).
A woman would ask me questions about my bag while walking up the stairs (as I was desperately trying to get to a place where my bars would reappear…).
–
I received his number at 8:28AM.
And it took me until 5:28PM to send it.
–
He could have thought I was absolutely bonkers.
He could have completely forgotten me.
He could have said no.
He could have not responded.
But instead, right as I was exiting the park, my phone lit up with his name.
And this was the moment when I almost crashed my car.
Kidding…maybe…ha.
–
He called two days later as I was leaving the Salt Flats.
Which is when I apparently forgot the English language…
“Hey! Much prefer talking over texting. Where are you right now?”
I had ONE job – just tell him where I was. Two words. That’s it.
But what was emitted from my mouth was incoherent gibberish.
Peak moment of my existence…
–
And yet somehow, he knew exactly what I was attempting to communicate.
“Doesn’t it feel like you stepped onto another planet? Surreal place.”
That it was…which my pictures failed to capture.
Heck, I was lucky to get any at all.
The sun so intense my phone was dark for the entirety of my visit. I just kept pressing my screen hoping to hit the button and capture a somewhat decent image.
But it was that and the moments that followed me driving away that turned those photos into some of my most memorable from the trip.
–
“So I have plans tonight, but I am free most of tomorrow. What would you like to do? A hike? Park City? Drive around a bit? We could go to breakfast or lunch. We could also do all of them. Give you the whole Utah experience.”
At this point I am still trying to come back to Earth…becoming increasingly convinced aliens invaded my body at the flats….
Or perhaps my heart was just returning to a long since visited emotional experience…
Words, speak words.
“Park City sounds like a perfect place to start. And then maybe just see where the day takes us from there?”
–
But it didn’t even take us getting to Park City the next day for me to know my life was changing forever.
Rapidly.
Unexpectedly.
Divinely…