Clandestine Confessions

We were sitting on his deck eating peanut butter cookies (I have tried and failed countless times to find cookies back home nearly as good as those).
I was sipping on the coffee he made me upon arriving at his house.
He and I were discussing the correlation of the beehive and Utah – narrowing it down to two options:
1. The people who live here are hard workers (“busy bees”)
2. Polygamy
(One Utah will proudly claim. We can all guess which that is…)
“I like your watch.”
The conversation took a turn.
–
It was not my original plan to wear that particular one.
I had full intentions to wear my sister’s anchor watch the entire trip – a way to carry her and my friend with me; honoring those who did not have the chance to experience life to this length and depth.
I have never shared this but well before anchors were ever associated with my sister, I had a connection to them through my best friend.
Before her death, we were making plans to get matching anchor tattoos that summer at her favorite beach in Florida.
(If you ever wondered why I moved to Florida in 2014, there is your answer.)
The idea inspired by her love of the ocean (she was even listed in my contacts as “The Little Mermaid” – she sang and brushed her hair with a fork as a child pretending to be Ariel) and her favorite quote: “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
But as I spotted this watch in my bag, I felt a pull to switch them out.
It was time to rewrite its memory.
–
“What time is it?” he asked.
We both left our phones in the house.
“Well, here is the thing…”
“Oh no, you cannot tell time, can you?” he said with a smirk.
“Ha, lucky for you I learned that a few years ago,” I joked. “But actually, I will let you into a little quirk of mine I have never told anyone. I do this thing where I just let the battery die in my watches and then set them to a random time.”
(Truthfully, the times are not “random”, but I could not reveal all my secrets…yet.)
“Interesting enough, I found a watch battery while cleaning the house yesterday that I am never going to use if you want it.”
“I appreciate that, but this one I may just keep dead.”
“So according to your watch, what time is it?”
I look down and smile.
“5:28.”
Three minutes ahead of the time it was stuck on for years. A symbolic move of surrender made prior to putting it on that morning.
“Hmmm, seems like a good time. I like it. AM or PM?”
“AM. We still have a lot more day to see.”
“Perfect. I am ready to go live it whenever you are.”
–
That 528 has been my compass.
What happened on that particular date in 2021 lead me straight to this trip.
Which then guided me to this version of myself.
Which then directed me to this life.
It gave me clarity after a period of intense confusion regarding my identity and future – making all that you have seen from me and in me the past 5 months possible.
–
When I talk about a butterfly effect, 528 is exactly what I mean by it – the power one moment, one yes, one person can have on the trajectory of your existence.
Seeing that number has become my reminder to remain steadfast in the resolution to always stand in agreement with life.
To only answer to what speaks to being alive.
It is why that watch would stay on my wrist through the rest of my trip.
Understanding that when the butterfly effect is lived out with a radical boldness, you will never see its end. It will continuously be changing you. It will endlessly present you with opportunities to witness the more of this life – through experiences, emotions, and encounters.
–
And one day it will find you.
On a deck.
In Salt Lake City.
Ready to offer you one of the best days of your life.