Clandestine Confessions

“I am going to make a guess that you want to live in a cabin one day. One more rustic. A bit of age to it for enhanced character.”
We were walking down the main street in Park City on the way to lunch – jumping around in conversation covering the many facets of life.
“Ha, and what makes you say that?”
“The kind of art you gravitate to. It all fits a certain style of home.”
“You are very observant.”
“And I am going to make another random guess and say your favorite color is green.”
“Like, extremely observant.”
–
I can still so vividly see the painting that lead to that particular conclusion. He lingered in front of it for a while simply observing. I moved to stand next to him – both of us staring straight ahead.
“Now this one would look stunning over a fireplace,” I said.
“Right? It would be perfect.”
His gaze stayed fixed. Mine drifted towards him.
I hold such a deep adoration for watching people fall in love – whether that be with a person or place or painting…
I fully own how much of a hopeless romantic I am.
And although it may have gotten me in trouble a time or two (or a thousand), I could not imagine a life without knowing the euphoria of the experiences in which the heart leads.
–
“You would be right in all of those presumptions,” he said. “And I will add that I am quite impressed.”
“There is an abundant amount about life and people we can learn if we choose to pay attention to everything, no matter the cost.”
It is one my heart has paid into a place of emotional debt time and time again.
But the payment has also protected me, exposing me to truth before having enmeshed myself in a lie.
“People will shut their eyes to not see the bad but to do so is to go blind to the good. I know the evil can be painful to witness. But having seen some of the very worst and surviving it, I have concluded a much more terrible fate would be if I never got to see the beauty of moments like today.”
–
I have always known I see more than most – also why I feel more than most – and also why I have gone deeper into the darkness than most.
It is a chicken or the egg scenario – which came first? The seeing or my once unending evening?
One would think living in the night for so long would have eventually blinded me, but it only intensified my vision.
It made me acutely aware of who and what needed to be seen – this cloak of invisibility tends to shroud those screaming in the most anguish…
It made me more desperate to see any trace of joy, frantic to find any sliver of the light of life – reminders to not concede, reasons to keep living.
And it made me fight harder to pay attention because of this wisdom:
Everything that you need is right where you are.
For everything that there is is right where you are.
But what is right in front of you depends on how open your eyes are.
We say we lack all that we need in order to move forward, to heal, to pursue our dreams, but perhaps the question is how much are we allowing ourselves to see?
And how are we choosing to use what is there?
Your perception will control your actions.
–
I see 828s and 528s all around me because I am actively looking for God’s voice.
My perception then becomes God is near, hearing my prayers, faithfully present – in the big and little things and everything in between.
My actions reflect the faith that He is leading the way and I am safe – that right there being the foundation of my healing.
–
The presence of those numbers, which may seem so mundane to another, have changed the course of my life.
So when I see them, I share them.
For the numbers themselves are for me but their motive is for something much larger outside of myself.
These seemingly small sights that get easily overlooked are aspects of a greater image.
They hold a potential.
They hold a purpose.
They hold a promise.
And by choosing to live with eyes wide open seeing the “unseen”, I can offer that vision to others – aiming to provide people with a restoration of hope and joy and life.
Leaving places a bit better off than how I found them.
And hoping, above all, to start a butterfly effect that shakes up this world…