Clandestine Confessions

He quickly swallowed his bite of cheesesteak, mid chew as the shock sped up his need to reply to my response.
It was evident he had no idea that question would actually warrant a yes.
“Wait, really? Seriously?”
“100%. Why not?” I said in a light hearted manner. As if picking up my entire life, leaving behind all I know, and moving across the country is not at all a big deal…
And in all honesty, for someone whose roots were long ago pulled up by trauma and heartbreak, it really wasn’t…
It actually seemed so much simpler than continuing to live in a place that reflected a life once lived in pain and grief.
–
“You know,” he said. “You both surprised and impressed me when you told me at the wedding all the places you have lived, so not too sure why I am shocked.”
That discussion was post me deciding to not move back to Pennsylvania (a plan in full effect up until March).
And it was pre me deciding to move to Italy (yes, that was a real possibility…I left many hints…).
I actually told him of that idea during the rehearsal dinner – along with many more of my secret (often regarded as crazy) dreams very few others knew.
I was so accustomed to getting a negative response to these grand plans that I was expecting it again…especially since I was telling them to a stranger who I was just introduced to at the table not even 30 minutes before.
Half beating myself up while speaking them for thinking this was going to turn out any different and wondering why in the world I even opened myself up for the possible scrutiny…
–
Which all ended up being completely unwarranted.
Because his response…
“Tell me more,” he said as he leaned a bit back in his chair, getting more comfortable for the conversation ahead. “I’m intrigued.”
And that I would.
Going into far more detail about the why’s and the how’s and the when’s than I shared with anybody else.
Here we would be, three months later, doing it again.
–
“I mean, yes, it is a beautiful state with such a peaceful atmosphere that makes envisioning myself living here easy. But also, you are only 1 out of 4 for getting people to move out west. The least I can do is help improve your success rate.”
He grinned as a snicker escaped him.
One of those half laughs that comes not from the belly, but the heart.
When the words are funny but also touch something within you…a recognition of being seen.
It was a topic we discussed on his porch that morning while eating our cookies.
I gave him a little smirk. “It is a win-win situation.”
–
We wouldn’t bring it up again until I would leave his house for my next adventure later in the day.
Standing at the door, I looked over at all his skis lined up against the wall.
“Would you ever be willing to teach me how to ski?” I asked.
“Only if you move here. That’s my stipulation.”
“Deal. That I can do.”
(I do not think he actually thought I would follow through with it…)
–
The magnitude of the yes I offered didn’t hit me until I was driving to Arches National Park.
In the solitude of the car ride.
“Heat Waves” playing loudly with the windows down.
The breeze in my hair mimicking that on the mountaintop with him – when my eyes first captured the majesty of the state.
This drive captivating my spirit further as I witnessed the ever-changing landscape of Utah – made even more magnificent by the setting sun I was chasing.
Life never more flowing through my veins – at such a fast pace with which my joy could not keep up.
Releasing an uncontainable and unstoppable laughter.
It was a tsunami wiping out all that no longer aligned with my heart and future.
Replacing it with what now appeared was always meant to be.
A move to Utah….
A newly planted dream that would root deeply and blossom rapidly in my remaining time in the state.
And then would wrap itself around every thought and desire and emotion upon leaving, taking over my entire being until I would turn it into reality.
Only 10 months later.
Which, in the grand scheme of life, is a relatively short period of time.
But an eternity to a spirit yearning to be safe again.
Seen again.
Home again…
–
I finally found a place to rest my wings.
A pursuit I had been covertly chasing since 2015.
Knowing when I did, when I stopped running, true healing would meet me.
The purpose would find me.
And all you see and hear and read today would be made possible.
–
So many yeses rested in that one yes I spoke at the restaurant.
And we have only just begun to watch them come alive…