Clandestine Confessions

“So where to next?” he asked. “I know, I know. I am totally putting you on the spot actually making you plan the next step in life.”
He gave a sly smile.
He knew a majority of this trip I was just making up as I went.
Having lived a life for decades in obedience to rules and rigidity, I was thriving in the rebellion that was spontaneity.
“However, in your defense, I have never liked that question. Right after graduating my plan was to hike the Appalachian Trail. Whenever professors or family would ask what I was going to do next and I would tell them that, their immediate response was ‘and then what?’ And I would tell them ‘I will let you know that after I hike the Appalachian Trail.’ The professors in particular got so disgruntled by that answer, probably because I was skewing their statistics, but I had to complete one moment to get to the next. And I trusted what I was to do upon my return would reveal itself along the way of being present in the moment I was living in. And here I am.”
There is an unexplainable peace that comes with being in the company of people who understand the art of living.
“But, all that being said, where to?”
I laughed.
“Somewhere in Utah, I suppose.”
“Well, that is a good start. Considering you are already here.”
He reaches over to his TV console and grabs the maps to all the Utah National Parks.
“My top three, if you are interested, are Arches, Bryce, and Zion.”
–
I left his house still with no idea where I was actually going.
It wasn’t until I was about to get on the highway when I heard his voice ask a question from an earlier conversation… “have you found yourself chasing after the sunset yet?”
One moment will reveal the next…
I immediately pulled over to type a location into the search bar of my Apple Maps app.
And so began my race against time to watch the sun close out its day.
At Arches National Park.
–
Reflecting back, this would become one of the turning point moments of the trip.
Not just because of the thrill of the event itself but what it would come to represent.
A woman living her life so radically alive. Defiantly free. Joyfully impulsive.
Her only plan being to ensure no second of this life gets wasted.
It was the moment I knew, without any doubt, that I made it.
That I was living in the healing – not just saying it but embodying it.
That there would never again be any turning back.
–
I had made it with mere minutes to spare.
The light was gone but the world never looked brighter, colors never more vibrant.
To the point I look back on the photos I took in bewilderment they all look so dark.
It wasn’t at all the way in which I perceived the moment.
But evidence it is not about how things look but how we see them.
–
Once I returned home, I found myself taking walks in the evening now.
Not to chase after a sunset but after that feeling of euphoria I felt walking through the park at night.
When everything felt possible.
When my heart beat in harmony with truth.
When every breath was a shout of redemption released into the world.
–
I know I cannot recreate the exact bliss of that first moment falling head over heels in love with being alive, but that will not stop me from trying.
It is the pursuit that keeps me showing up for life.
Because I cling to this faith that perhaps along the way, I may just happen to stumble across something even better.
And if not, at least I will know I made the most of every step of this journey I was given.
Experiencing it to the fullest.
Taking nothing for granted.
Never missing an opportunity to say yes.
Especially the ones that lead you to stand under the stars in a National Park so enamored by the beauty that is life.
And even more in awe that you are the one entrusted to live it….