Clandestine Confessions

I was sitting at the top of the Red Rocks Amphitheater – having just walked up and down it (by way of the bleachers) three times.
It was my display of redemption for the Jenna who at one point was living in a body that could no longer even walk up one stair of her home.
So weakened and deteriorated, having made her “bedroom” in the living room. Then going through months of physical therapy to retrain her body on how to walk, how to step, how to kneel, how to live….
This was for her.
An act of gratitude for the yes to life she whispered that made every yes I have spoken loudly and boldly since possible.
–
Taylor Swift’s “…Ready For It” played on my phone.
“Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him…wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see a man – the song apparently a foreshadowing.
Body like a Greek god with a spirit of an animal.
Quite literally.
Jumping walls, rolling down the bleachers, roaring like a lion after claiming victory over every physical feat. His black skin tight leggings with tears in them as if clawed.
I am all for an alpha male but this seemed perhaps a bit excessive.
I let out a slight laugh under my breath.
Gotta love the male ego….
–
I continue to mind my own business when I hear an accented voice.
“Have I seen you here before? You look familiar.”
Oh goodness gracious….how many times has a person lead a conversation with this line to me?
I have lost count.
I look up and to my left.
It is him.
–
“Hello, I have not. First time here. Just passing through. But I do get that a lot.”
“Could have sworn I saw you yesterday! You have doppelgangers apparently. But what brings you here?”
“Cross country road trip actually.”
“What?! That’s awesome!”
I shared some of the details – the where, the why, the how. Which then naturally branched off into other conversations; his workout routine, his past travels, where he lives, our jobs, our passions.
“Let me give you my number. I can show you around Denver tonight. Great night life. Lots of good bars. Just text after 6pm. I need to soak in the hot tub a bit after this.”
How many nails in the coffin did he just hammer…?
“Thank you so much,” I say.
(I am sure we can all guess correctly what I did not end up doing…but if you ever want to have a fun time in Denver, I have Slavic’s number for you….)
“I am going to finish this workout but parting words before I do; be prepared for an emotional shock upon your return to normalcy. Happened to me coming back from hiking the Appalachian Trail. You have been changed. And anything other than a life of unexpected adventure and spontaneity will feel depressing. Start planning your next trip now. You will need it.”
–
I still had two weeks left to go in this trip and I already knew he was speaking truth.
Earlier that day I was asking (okay, more like begging) God to never let this end.
“I am too alive now, God. How can I realistically abandon this for living in four walls and a 9-5 again?”
A response was given to my spirit.
“What you are experiencing is a mindset, not a physical location. This doesn’t have to leave when you depart. Your thoughts determine how long you will stay this full of life. Your choice. It always has been.”
–
I wrote this with one day left of my trip; grieving the ending of being on the road while simultaneously celebrating the beginning of a new adventure this ignited.
The one in which I live healed.
Without doubt or question that I am….