Clandestine Confessions

“What do you think about me spending my birthday in Utah?”
It was the text I sent my friend in January 2021.
Sitting in my usual Starbucks in Fairfax, sipping my cold brew, laptop in front of me with a tab already open to an airline site, my road trip playlist playing through my headphones.
“Living in the More” it is so appropriately called.
Renamed while standing in Arches National Park after reflecting on a conversation with my friend in his living room a few hours before.
“I am obsessed with the idea,” she replied.
She was the one receiving daily texts and audios from me ever since leaving the state in September about my ache to one day return.
“I want to see if how I feel is just a fluke because I was so high on the euphoria of the adventure or if there is something more to it. And if there is more, could I see myself living there?”
“Book the ticket sister!”
–
I dedicated the rest of the day to planning.
Narrowing down the dates.
Pricing out flights.
Booking Airbnbs in various towns to get exposure to different places.
Texting my friend to ask for recommendations of things to do.
Scheduling apartment tours.
–
All while slipping into anonymity…
I was about to walk onto the most sacred ground I have ever felt beneath my feet.
Preparing to embark on my most radical transformation.
And that called for a clandestine chapter.
Being extremely selective with who had access to my life and me moving forward.
Becoming highly protective over my yeses from here on out.
–
This would be the year of choosing only what speaks life…
–
I would spend the morning of my birthday at Starbucks writing.
And while doing so, unexpectedly would receive an email from my chosen apartment complex asking for my signature on the official application to reserve my future home.
Divine timing.
My promise fulfilled of the purpose in the pain.
For had it not been for the trials of the year prior, this present would not have been a reality.
It forced me to permanently close a door that I had been keeping propped open since childhood.
Having even broken the lock a few times to make sure I was not getting it wrong.
The “what if” that kept me holding my life captive for years now answered – and me no longer resisting the conclusion.
Which all lead to my willingness to walk into the one now being presented to me…
Moving to Utah.
–
Barely able to see the screen through my tears, I signed the document.
And then headed out to explore my new home state.
–
I would drive through Emigration Canyon.
Visited Sugar House Park and Liberty Park.
Took myself out to dinner at Pretty Bird.
And then picked up Crumbl cookies to bring over to my friend’s house for his roommates and us.
“You do know this is supposed to be the other way around, right?” he said as I walked in with the box.
“Ha, yes. But it is much more life giving this way. And this is also a celebration of me signing the apartment application.”
“No way! This is actually happening. Congrats! How do you feel?”
“Overwhelmingly happy.”
I paused for a second before continuing – letting the power and the beauty soak into the words I would speak next.
“And so very much alive.”
It is an addictive sensation that I find myself forever chasing after now…
“Have you told anyone else?”
“Not yet. Just soaking in the surrealness of the secret a little longer.”
“I get that. Take your time. I won’t say a word until you tell me otherwise.”
–
We spread out in the kitchen and living room eating the cookies, people coming and going throughout the evening.
Everyone talking and laughing, exchanging stories, brainstorming ideas of how I could spend my last day in Utah.
I sat on that stool at the table so present yet simultaneously lost in the redemption of it all…the healing of it all…
–
There was an ease to my existence.
No striving to be seen.
No fighting to be loved.
No pressure to perform.
Effortlessly authentic.
–
I was being given the gift (unknowingly by anyone) to simply be.
And then having that “being” fully accepted – without conditions or apologies.
Equating to a sense of belonging.
And showing me this was exactly where I was always meant to be.
The ultimate birthday present that can never be topped.
And one I have used every day since.
As I live out all my daydreams here in Utah…