Clandestine Confessions

As soon as we got in his car, he turned our seat warmers on.
Mine and then his.
“I know how much I love it so I figured you may want it on too. Please feel free to turn it off if not.”
“No, it is perfect. Thank you.”
There were so many emotionally defining moments in this evening, but that little interaction stands out so prominently in my heart.
Which is funny because he probably has no memory of even doing it – and yet it was the most memorable for me.
Never negate the healing power of the small things…
–
He fumbled a bit with his phone before Rainbow Kitten Surprise began playing through the speakers.
“Think you’ll really enjoy this band,” he said, placing the phone down in his center console, now using his free hands to grab the seatbelt. “Alright, I’m ready. You ready?”
“Yes. Never more so…”
–
At one point in time my “readiness” required weeks of planning ahead.
Hours of mental pep talks.
Scouring the menu ahead of time and calculating the calories if not already listed.
Punishing my body for days prior to earn the food.
Armoring up my heart to protect from the cataclysmic wounds my mind had the power to create.
But today, all it took was one “yes”.
For gone are the days of heading into battle with a burger.
I only walk in and into victory.
And I have that veggie burger to thank for that…
–
He ordered us fried pickles – with the coveted fry sauce – after discovering our mutual love for them.
He went on a hilariously epic rant about the fry sauce being the best Utah could do as their culinary claim of fame while we ate them.
And then came our burgers – I went with his recommended choice for me of the “Nutter Butter” burger – topped with bacon and peanut butter.
I laughed over the irony of the name – given that Nutter Butter cookies were always my food of choice for every caloric increase I received in treatment.
How I dreaded that moment when they locked eyes with you.
Standing by the cart with all of our trays of food on them right before lunch.
Motioning with their finger for you to come to them…
“You need to add a supplement and a starch today,” they would whisper. (As if the rest of the patients did not know the meaning of the dreaded walk you just had to make.)
More fire added to the mental hell you were already in….
–
But how gloriously and redemptively different my experience was with this burger.
Complete peace during the consumption.
Enjoying every bite blissfully amid laughter and one of my favorite conversations in life.
No fear, no anxiety, no time constraints….
“Can I get you two the check?” the waiter asked once seeing we were finished.
He looked over at me, gave a smile.
I offered a little head nod back, acknowledging what he wasn’t saying.
“Not yet. We are going to stay a bit longer,” he replied.
–
We talked for another thirty minutes.
So captivated by how much life that half hour held in comparison to that of a decade ago.
Silently begging God to let the clock slow down.
Never again would I wish my time on earth away again.
Not with a life this beautiful…
–
Upon arriving home, he sent me a text – a video pertaining to a conversation we had on the way back from the restaurant.
Fish learning how to drive in Israel.
And I laid on my bed in utter joy – not a care in the world over what I just ate or how my body felt, void of any shame or fear or regret.
The only noise being my laughter and the wind outside my Airbnb…a sound mind offering no contribution.
–
How deeply I wished I could have given the J in treatment on that night of the burger that brain for only a second.
Offer her tangible hope.
Give her the evidence it would get better.
That is wasn’t all just empty promises…
But instead, I did the next best thing.
I whispered to her the same words I do every day, “you are safe now. I love you. Thank you.”
For it was her pain that birthed my purpose….
–
I looked over at my phone right as the 59 transformed to 00.
Midnight.
It was officially my birthday.
And it began with joy filled tears….
Their creation for this particular day over two decades in the making.