Clandestine Confessions

The Worm Moon.
I saw an article today about its imminent arrival.
This was the second time I ever heard about such a thing.
The first being February 2021 – while driving to dinner with a friend.
I was gazing in awe at the full moon glowing brightly between the mountains, lighting up the landscape ahead of us.
“I do not think these is a more majestic view than this in life,” I said as I turned to him.
A silhouette that I pray never stops stealing my breath.
–
“Have I ever told you about my goal to night ski under every different type of moon?” he asked. “Blood Moon, Supermoon, Worm Moon. The list goes on. I never knew there were so many.”
“You have not! But one, I absolutely love that; suits you perfectly. And two, I think I now need to up my life goals,” I said with a laugh.
“Now hold up. Don’t go downplaying your dreams! I do not see writing a book as something insignificant or boring in the least.”
It was a conversation we shared over the summer but not a topic I had mentioned since.
“My book…,” a short pause followed. “If only I knew what I actually wanted to write about.”
–
I have been plagued with this indecision for nine years now.
Having held onto this naïve vision that deeper healing equals greater clarity over the future.
But now understanding only through experience (because nobody teaches this life lesson) that actually the more alive you become, the more confused you will initially feel.
Because as you shed the layers of an identity handed to you through diagnoses (I will rant about those another day…), it will shatter the confines of expectation and predictability you lived in.
–
Truth be told, living to die is pretty straightforward.
Contrary to how it appeared from an outsider’s perspective, those years for me were the most simplistic.
Which is partly why I ran to it when life felt chaotic and overwhelming.
It provided control.
Control provided stability.
Stability provided safety.
–
But then there is living to live.
Which is much more complicated.
Because it asks of you.
It forces you to provide answers to questions that were once given to you by default.
Requiring you to think for yourself, choose for yourself, feel for yourself.
The how, the why, the who, the when are up for you to decide now.
Who do you want to be?
What do you want to represent?
How do you want to be known?
And all that once seemed certain now a blank page you stare at everyday…
–
“It will come,” he said. “Just do not let the unknown scare you away from starting. Better to begin a hundred times than never try once.”
I stared back at the sky with tear filled eyes.
Taking mental snapshots of the scenery.
Creating a core memory of this moment.
Feeling my heartbeat quicken at the thought of the life being created as we spoke.
Wondering if perhaps this drive, this night was being inscribed on my heart to be the start of a chapter in what is yet to be written…