Clandestine Confessions

We were in his kitchen.
I stopped by on my way to dinner to drop off the sleeping bag he lent me a couple days prior.
“In the event you feel a pull to follow your heart’s desire of sleeping in your car,” he said with a smirk when he handed it to me.
He knew I already did a few nights prior while in Moab.
I texted him photos of the scenery along with the good news that my poor planning allowed me to turn my back seat into a bed again.
I am most content when I have the least.
–
He was standing at the counter cutting vegetables to add to the eggs on the stove, elements to the burrito he was making for tomorrow’s ski excursion.
Casually taking bites off the block of cheese he would later grate.
We were seamlessly jumping to different topics: the pitfalls of writing work emails, the pros and cons of being in a startup company, the life changing experience of adding curry powder to eggs, rating frozen pizzas, ranking our mutually favorite bands’ albums, how much countertop cleaning and floor sweeping adulthood unexpectedly entails….
And then I watched as his hand began to move slower.
His countenance changed to that of contemplation.
By the tone of his first word I knew he was shifting us to a deeper conversation.
“Alright, so I have been thinking about something lately, but my thought is going to sound simplistic so will require you to hear what I am not saying.”
“I am all ears.”
“I have come to believe the problem with humanity is that people are not living for one thing…”
He paused what he was doing, moved his gaze from the counter over to me.
“Life.”
He needed to say no more.
He was speaking my language.
“They are expending themselves on the pursuit for wealth and success and chasing after fleeting desires thinking that is the peak of living but that is not AT ALL what it means to be alive. People are walking around settling, living in an emptiness because of the immense amount of life they miss out on choosing to not live for life.”
–
A tear slowly fell as he spoke.
Because I did not just hear his thought.
I felt his thought.
I was living out his thought.
I had become his thought…
He summed up in three words my journey of the past year – living for life.
When I said yes to life on May 28, 2021, after what was undoubtedly the most emotionally traumatic period of my life, I could have never imagined what would follow.
The year I lived was beyond anything I ever knew I needed.
The result of everything I thought I wanted falling through.
–
Be grateful for what you do not receive.
It is not a punishment but a privilege.
–
The memories of those last eleven months played in my mind like a movie.
Moments that made me question how this life is even real, even mine…
The wedding.
The breakups, breakdowns, breakthroughs.
The coffee chats with my boss.
The cross country road trip.
The kitchen dance parties and the car karaoke.
The move to a new apartment to once again be out on my own.
The capturing of moments that brought life and the releasing of ones that brought death.
The hellos and the goodbyes.
The tears shed in surrender and the ones set free in joy.
The laughter…..goodness the laughter….
The revelations revealed through both pain and bliss.
In a canyon in Arizona.
On a mountaintop in Montana.
On a dairy farm in North Carolina.
On a bathroom floor in Virginia.
In a kitchen in Utah…
–
“Not quite sure what to do about it though; how to help those people wake up,” he said, having now moved back to building his burrito – making a valiant attempt at folding it gracefully.
An attempt that led me over to the counter offering my assistance.
Finally, fourteen years later, my year working in a restaurant paid off…
“Well,” I say as I begin tucking in the sides of the tortilla. “I suppose we show them how it is done. We live out the answers to questions people have not yet realized they need to ask. And we hold to the faith they will eventually catch on and catch up.”
“And what do you see that looking like?” he asked.
And now the future, scenes from a life eagerly awaiting my arrival, filled my vision.
“A lot like this…right here. A life lived intentionally with passion and purpose. Spontaneity directing each day. Saying yes to only what breeds bliss. Full of adventures that require me to use your sleeping bag and you to make burritos.”
That last part ending with a laugh.
“Then it seems like we have already begun,” he said.
“That we have….” I replied with a smile while showcasing my perfectly wrapped burrito.
“I’m impressed. You do life well.”
“Greatest compliment to ever receive.”
–
But now it is time to do it a bit bolder and a whole lot louder.
For all the world to hear.
We will call this chapter “Living for Life.”
And it is sure to be my favorite yet…