Clandestine Confessions

It was March 2003 – the 7th to be exact.
A date I remember well because my then boyfriend included it in his screenname very soon after asking me to be his girlfriend – mini(his name)3703.
And now I sit here crying, heart melting into a puddle as I reflect on that little gesture.
Even having just taken a pause from this writing to re-read all our emails from that time.
There is very little sweeter than young love…(especially in the era of the early 2000s).
–
We were in the kitchen eating dinner as a family; my sister sitting to my left.
About halfway into the meal, I ducked under the table, nearly falling over as I tried to keep myself in the chair.
The excitement not helping my balance.
“Psst, sissy,” I whispered to get her attention.
She leaned down to join me.
The rest of my family continued on eating.
–
(For a room in that home that would come to hold some of the most painful moments, I am so grateful to have this memory reign over them all…)
–
“I think I have a boyfriend. M asked me out today,” I told her, trying to be quiet enough so nobody else could hear me over their own conversations.
This was to be a sacred secret between two sisters – a moment of normality for us in an ever growing abnormal reality…
“What?! Sissy! You think? Well, what did you say?!”
“I said yes.”
“Then you have a boyfriend! I need all the details pronto!”
–
We would go to her bedroom right after dinner, both of us sitting on her bed as I would tell her all about the moment it happened…
–
A bunch of us stayed in for recess to help around the classroom – my friend group and his.
(Not coincidental…)
I was at the table in the front of the room facing the chalkboard.
Cutting out words to be used in our classroom spelling bee which would ultimately determine who would advance to the district competition.
(A role I would nerve-rackingly step into a month later. He would make a surprise appearance at the event…and I can still feel the way my heart fluttered when I unexpectedly saw him walking up the stairs to find a seat. It is a vision and an emotion forever engrained on my heart.)
–
I sensed someone come up behind me.
And then leave after a few seconds.
Then heard whispers in the back of the room.
“Just do it. Ask her. Go!”
This would happen three times.
My teacher at her desk watching the entire spectacle and smiling.
My friends beside me trying to hold in their overly excited reactions, pretending to act like they had no idea what was about to happen.
The butterflies growing within me each time I felt him approach.
–
I knew the moment was coming – it had been the talk of the classroom for a few weeks prior.
Him sitting next to me at lunch the day before a dead giveaway a question was on the horizon.
For the boys and girls always traditionally sat at opposite tables in the seats we unofficially assigned to ourselves from the start of the school year.
–
I had a crush on him for quite some time.
I “met” him a year prior when seated behind him at an assembly.
We never actually spoke to one another as my friend did all the talking.
But during their conversation he made a joke, and I was done for after that.
(My heart’s kryptonite has always been one’s ability to make me laugh.)
That laughter was all he would ever know of me.
Until August 27, 2002.
–
I was giddy when I saw his name on the desk beside mine on the first day of school.
My hair crimped with butterfly clips segmenting the front into five sections.
Wearing jeans and a black top with white ties all down the side from Limited Too – a red plaid button up tied around my waist for if I got cold.
Arms and neck glistening from the now iconic Bath and Body Works “Art Stuff” Blazin Blueberry roll-on glitter.
Purple sparkly eyeshadow and Lip Smackers liquid lip gloss the finishing touches to the look.
(I was clearly prepared to meet the love of my life…)
–
It all started with me asking about his necklace – an opaque orange heart shaped stone on an auburn string.
And then continued from there.
Our morning talks becoming my mind’s daily reprieve as things were rapidly deteriorating mentally for me.
One of my favorites being when he and I both picked out one another’s baby photo to include in the 02-03 yearbook (little fun fact for whoever still has theirs).
Between our interactions at school and our chats on AIM, the fondness kept growing – eventually leading to the moment, seven months later, when he would muster up the courage to tap me on the shoulder.
–
“Jenna, excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure,” I said. Barely able to get that one word out as my nerves took over.
He led me over to the heater by the windows before he spoke his next words.
“I am sure you already know what I am going to ask.”
“A little bit.”
“Well, what do you think? Would you like to be my girlfriend?”
“Yes, I would.”
“Great. Okay, we will talk soon.”
And then we parted ways – he walked back to his friends, and I returned to the table.
(I know…a very anti-climatic ending…but we were 12, so what else did you expect?!)
–
“So….,” my sister said as I finished the story, giddier over this new development than I was. “What next?!”
“I don’t know! I’ve never done this before sissy. I need help.”
–
And it would be right in this moment my sister would officially step into the role for which I would lean most on her throughout the years.
The leader of love, guardian over my heart, the guide to all matters regarding relationships.
One she would own even to this day…