Clandestine Confessions

March 30, 2015.
The day that would unknowingly become the last time I ever heard my sister’s voice.
I called to wish her a happy birthday.
Which turned into a few hours of her and I catching up on life, her making me laugh, us discussing our plans for when she would be in Tampa a few weeks later to visit me.
She was searching for the best bars in the area for me to have my first drink.
It was a moment I was saving to share with her.
A moment I have still yet to experience…
If it is to ever happen, it must be with the right someone.
Someone I trust.
Someone I love.
Someone who is my safe place.
Someone who would have been Sissy approved.
There is no other way to do it…
–
There was one particular part of the conversation that has followed me every day since.
The memory so deeply etched on my heart.
It would become a defining moment in my love story.
–
I was beginning to prep my breakfast towards the end of the call.
I had just opened the fridge when she began speaking.
“I ran into I—-‘s sister the other day.”
The carton of eggs now in my hand.
“She mentioned to me he is starting to date other people.”
The contents in my arm nearly falling all over the floor as the words hit my ears.
Quick reflexes catching them before a bigger mess was made than what already just happened in my heart.
My momentary silence must have shouted – loud enough for my sister to hear it.
And feel it…
“Roody,” her voice was gentle, a sudden dramatic change from her normal vociferous tone (a trait she inherited from our grandfather). “I know it may hurt right now and you may not believe me in this moment, but you always deserved better. You have been and always will be worthy of more. It is safe to let go now Jenna. I promise you a better love is out there for you. Someone who will know exactly what they have found in you and never let that go.”
I was still working to compose myself before responding.
“Plus, boys are stupid,” she added with a laugh. “Wait for the one who breaks the mold. He is out there somewhere. Don’t allow yourself to settle for anything but the real thing.”
–
I wasn’t in a place to agree, to accept her words as truth.
For I was now standing in the middle of my kitchen, frozen in time, with a gaping wound on my heart.
One rapidly bleeding out into my mind – feeling it instinctively begin to take over to keep me safe.
Immediate thoughts of placing those eggs back in the fridge, skipping this breakfast altogether.
What would give me a tried and true momentary relief from the pain I was not yet willing to confront.
I was confident I had healed from this heartbreak, convinced it had long since turned into a scar.
A certainty I only then realized was created by a deep deception.
The result of never actually ripping off the Band-Aid…
Which would be a painfully beautiful gift her revealing of that news would give to me.
(Even if it would take many years for me to stop putting the bandage back on…)
–
“I love you sissy,” they were the best words I could utter in my place of despair.
“Love you so much Tiny. Wait, who is Tiny again?! Is that you or me? Why did we give one another so many names?!”
My laughter now overpowering the tears.
How deeply I wish life had given us one more chance to settle on who was Tiny…
“You will be okay Jenna. In the meantime, you always have your sissy. Call me anytime. And when I visit, we will live it up so much you will forget all about him!”
–
She would go into the coma the day she was supposed to board the plane.
Taking with her me knowing what it would be like to live with no remembrance of him.
A remembering that would lead me into choices of chaos and pain in the years to come.
–
Do I regret not following her words when first spoken…?
I want to say no.
And I want to say yes.
There were certainly beautiful moments that I live in such gratitude for experiencing.
But there were also traumatic memories I wish I never made with him.
And unfortunately, the severity of the bitter has overshadowed most of the sweet from that relationship.
I can sit here all day and tell you “it made me who I am/brought me to where I am today”, but that does negate the depth of my wishing I could have reached that conclusion without having walked such a self-destructive path…
It is something for which I am still working to forgive myself.
–
But the silver lining…?
The constant remembering did have an expiration date.
May 28, 2021.
Out on the dance floor.
As “Finally//beautiful stranger” played.
My heart would be given its first reprieve.
The belief I was worthy of “better” would start to root itself – blossoming with each moment I chose to align with the words of my sister and “let go”.
Trauma would stop being my compass for who I chose, and truth would take its place.
Because I finally knew what it meant to feel whole, alive, liberated.
And safe…
–
And perhaps coincidental, simply just the power of the mind, but my sister has only made appearances in my dreams for the past two years when accompanying a person who played a vital role in my healing that night.
Tears of joy being what wake me up each time.
Not only from seeing her but from watching her see me live on the other side – a life she never stopped believing I would one day claim.
–
Now if only a non-stupid boy would decide to join me in the creation of the next chapter of this love story.
The heart is anxiously waiting to write another.
One that finally leads to the “happily ever after…”