Clandestine Confessions

I went to a concert last fall that was to be a proclamation of a healing heart, an ode to a chapter of a love story I once had the immense privilege to write.
It turned into a night well felt – my eyes red and swollen long into the following day.
I expected it to carry heavy emotions, but I did not anticipate what would happen to create an infinite waterfall of tears.
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Let’s first rewind to the fall of 2016.
Facetiming my then boyfriend in the evening.
My phone propped up on my pillow as I sat in my bed.
A random ring I found adorning my ring finger on my right hand, serving as a place holder for one that would soon come.
Wearing a black tank top and my sister’s pink zip up hoodie with a pirate emblem on the left side – my comfort outfit at the time.
–
This particular night’s conversation had a heaviness to it – the type that is unforgettable to the soul.
It was a deeply disordered and mentally traumatizing day – the worst I had in months.
I could sense the pain of life was catching up to the bliss of my reality…
The void of losing my sister and friend refusing to be continuously ignored.
The rumbles of an approaching earthquake that would result in complete devastation being sensed – the cracks within my family the culprit.
Depression and anxiety tightening their grasp on me.
My whole world beginning to cave in…
–
He knew from my first “hello” something was not right.
And he reminded me I was safe to release the weight of the darkness with him.
“You are not alone in this Jenna. I am here. Always forever.”
And with that, I found myself weeping, speaking all these fear driven apologies.
“I am so sorry…
For bringing you into this world
For not giving you all you deserve.
For this being our reality.
For not choosing you, our love in the moments of agony.”
I paused, fumbling with the ring that now felt like the best I would ever get – my pain once again sabotaging my dreams.
Why would anyone want a lifetime of this with me?
“I wanted to be better for you…for this to not have to be so hard…”
“Jenna, I never wanted an easy relationship. I only wanted you. Knowing whatever that came with, we could face it together. Love in the hard times, remember?”
–
A minute later my phone would buzz.
A text from him.
“I just sent you a song that seems fitting today.”
Music, from our very start, was how we communicated all we could not put into words ourselves.
I played it immediately…
“Better” by SYML.
It would instantly become my anthem to what love should be…
–
Fast-forward to October 2022.
Almost 6 years later to the very day, I would be at SYML’s concert in Salt Lake City.
I had zero expectations to hear that particular song as it is not one of his most popular.
However, I was going to attempt to make it a possibility….
–
Earlier in the day, I sent SYML a direct message on Instagram – knowing the likelihood he was actually even going to see it was extremely low but also knowing it could not hurt to try.

“Hello, this may be a reach because I am not even sure you will see it, but it is worth a try…I am going to be at your Salt Lake City show tonight and have been an avid fan since 2016. It was your song “Better” that captivated me and kept me following you through the years. I was going through an extremely dark period in my life when my best friend (then boyfriend), since the age of 10, sent me the song one night as I was breaking down in fear, and it gave me the most peace I felt in years. That song became this symbol of how love holds the power to heal, and I have carried that with me ever since…Is there any possibility you could play that song tonight? It is completely okay if your setlist is already in place and you cannot. No matter what, I am simply honored to be able to see you perform tonight and be so impacted by your music.”

About halfway through the concert, after just playing a cover of “Falling” by Harry Styles, he begins playing a little melody on the piano.
Eyes closed, feeling the music, seemingly preparing the words for what would come next…
–
“You know,” he said. “I had no intentions to play this next song.”
My pulse begins to quicken.
“But this woman reached out to me today saying how much it means to her and her life.”
Heart is now pounding out of my chest.
“And I felt it important to sing tonight. I do think when you find the right partner, they should make you better, and you should make them better. It is a mutual shared thing I hope you have, and if you don’t have it, I hope you get it. But this is a song called “Better”.
–
Those first few overwhelmingly evocative notes began to play.
I could now audibly hear my heartbeat…
And those two sounds combined called out the tears I have been reserving for a moment like this…
Not shed in grief but gratitude.
Not from a place of pain but purpose.
Allowing my heart the honor to remember and then release…
And then only now becoming aware of the empty chair beside me – symbolically holding the space for the love I had known and the love I will know to make me better…