Clandestine Confessions

“Believe me when I say this, I was giving up but now you come and save me…”
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I was holding it together (somewhat) until that lyric.
The one that spoke my truth, as if SYML had once read the pages of my heart.
They are the words I lived, the ones I made real.
The privilege of a lifetime to experience a person that meets you in your darkness and loves you back to life.
That kind of love having made possible for the me of today to exist…healing, alive, saved, better…
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My tears released a sound – a gasping, deep breath, as if I just received the air back in my lungs.
“Thank you, God.”
The words quietly escaped my lips.
I was deep in prayer on the drive to the venue…praying for him to see that Instagram message, for him to play the song, for it to be a sign my heart would one day be safely held again.
That all I had once experienced was only the beginning of all I will know.
That it will only get better…
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I clutched my phone as the emotions mounted with each new memory that crossed my mind.
Resisting the temptation to reach out to the introducer of that song.
Hoping instead a part of us was still so connected he could feel my heart right now.
That he still remembered the last words I would ever speak to him.
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On May 28, 2021…
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In a video I sent right him before my friend’s wedding reception was to begin – sneaking away to the hotel room with a few minutes to spare to make it.
A video I did not know then would be my last…
But understanding now why I felt such a pull to speak the words I did.
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“We just got done the ceremony, and of course I cried because love is emotional. And it just gave me this nudge to tell you how grateful I am that you were the one chosen to introduce me to love. So, thank you for being you, for everything you have shown me and given me over the past twenty years. Forever grateful. For all of it. I love you. I miss you. Talk to you soon.”
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And then I would I run back downstairs to give my maid of honor speech.
A speech I wrote based off of a song.
“Better”…
The song playing on repeat for 24 hours straight as I composed what would become my favorite piece of writing.
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An excerpt from the speech:

“One of the magical things about love is that when it is right, when it is real, it will make one better. No matter how dark their past, how deep their wounds, how much brokenness in which they have walked – once touched by true love, the past loses its power over one’s identity. It takes the pen and rewrites the future. It adds back the purpose we thought pain may have stolen.
Awakening dormant dreams.
Reigniting extinguished passions.
Inspiring, motivating, encouraging one to live unto the person they were called to be.
Through compassion, forgiveness, trust, patience, and perhaps the greatest of them all – acceptance.
Love offers the rare opportunity to be fully seen and unconditionally accepted at the same time – to safely reveal every flaw and mistake and scar with the deep knowing that person is going to embrace all of you. Gifting you the chance to simply be without question or shame.
We underestimate how much one can transform when the eyes of love are on them.”

It was in speaking those words out loud that I felt it…
The shift.
The surrender.
Realizing those words I wrote had run their course with the love I was desperately clinging to…hoping it would one day return to what it once was…the innocence, purity, peace…
Recognizing it was time to release the vision, once and for all.
And allow my heart the opportunity to experience something new.
Someone new…
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Immediately after the speech, I was approached by one of the groomsmen.
The one who offered me his jacket that day.
The one who introduced me to Utah.
The one who helped return my laughter.
The one who would give me my first slow dance…
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“You know,” he said, leaning in close so I could hear him over the music. “I know you told me yesterday you were a writer, but I did not at all expect THAT. That was absolutely incredible and beautiful. Please tell me you are going to do something with your writing one day.”
“One day. I promise.”
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And he holds me accountable to that every time we have seen each other since.
Asking me if I have published anything yet. How my book is coming along. Any plans to turn my passion into a career. Always reminding me to not let fear talk me out of the dream.
It is the kind of encouragement that makes one better…
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I hold immense gratitude for the love I have had the honor to receive and to give.
And I hold tremendous hope for the love that still awaits.
That song still holds much life in it.
There is still more story within it to be written.
And after the concert, my heart is now ready to hold the pen again…