Clandestine Confessions

“Where are you visiting from?”
The cashier was ringing up my sweatshirt as she asked – adorned with a moose in honor of two favorite moments from two life changing drives.
I was in a souvenir shop below an art gallery my friend and I visited in August 2021 – one full of enlarged photographs of Utah’s infamous landmarks.
“Easiest way to show the woman all the best Utah has to offer without all the travel is walking her through this place,” the owner said to my friend with a laugh after he mentioned to him our plans for the day.
And that I wasn’t from around here…yet.
“Yeah…I figured if I cannot give her the whole experience, this is close second.” He looked my way and smiled. “She will have to come back for the real thing.
–
I needed an escape on this particular day – go to a place where I could simultaneously forget and remember.
I couldn’t hide from the grief.
Because whether in an hour or a week or a month, it would come find me.
Seeking me out with an ever-growing vengeance with every day it went ignored.
But what I could do was maximize the life I lived that day to keep the pain in perspective.
Remind my heart that while there has been deep sorrow, there has also been immense joy – and it is the two working together that gives definition to the purpose.
I knew Park City was just the spot.
–
I looked up at the woman and smiled, “I am actually from here.”
It was the first time in 11 months I had the privilege of releasing those words, and they effortlessly, melodically rolled off my tongue.
If you were to ask me when I knew I wanted to call Utah home, it was during the drive to Park City from his house.
I was lost in the beauty of it all…and I knew I would never be content with this – the sights, the emotions, the freedom, the colors, the conversations – only ever being one day in the rest of my life.
I knew I needed this to be my normal.
–
So when he asked me at that table over lunch “could you see yourself living here?”, my lack of hesitation was because I had already said yes hours before.
When I proposed the question to myself in his car…passing the mountains, the white barn, the location of the Olympic games, through Main Street while searching for a parking spot.
He was one step behind my heart.
But soon caught up.
–
After leaving the shop I took a walk to the restaurant that was home to that initial conversation.
The memories were calling me, and today, more than ever, I needed what they had to say.
I stood in the same spot we sat eating our cheesesteak and pizza.
Had Glass Animals singing in my ears (Dreamland would become the soundtrack of Utah after we listened to it the entire day).
And mentally retreated to August 31st, 2021 – watching it play out like a movie.
One I pray never ends.
–
The inevitable tears began to fall.
“We did it sissy…and it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.”
Who would have ever thought reaching death would one day create such abundant life?
That an intense darkness would yield this extraordinary light?
That what I believed would destroy me would be what created me?
That what I assumed had me lost was actually guiding me home?
–
I emotionally prepared myself for him to ask that day how I met my friend whose wedding we were both in.
Although he never did and still has not.
A bit surprising considering how many hours of in-depth conversations we have shared beginning from the moment we were introduced at the rehearsal dinner.
The conversations during that first night sparking all the writing you now see today – the recollection of it was my first “Excerpt of a miracle in process” back in August 2021.
I knew his dreams and fears before his favorite color (a conclusion I reached only from him mentioning while browsing shops that he would buy the green bracelet if he wore them…).
–
One day it will come – to be determined if it is the question that gets asked first or me sharing on my own accord.
And I have made a promise to myself to not refrain from vulnerability in the telling of the pain.
To not filter the past to make it more presentable.
To not speak the story in shame but in gratitude.
Because the truth is, I owe it everything…
–
There would be no Utah if there was no him.
There would be no him if there was no wedding.
There would be no wedding if there was no best friend.
There would be no best friend is there was no treatment.
There would be no treatment if there was no….
Eating disorder.
–
And there it is.
The purpose in the pain.
The reason why I stand in the truth ALL will be used for good.
Because it is the reality in which I have the privilege to live.
And it has only just begun…