Clandestine Confessions

“You should buy yourself something,” he said while observing me eyeing the jewelry. “If I were one to wear a bracelet, I would buy the green one.”
It was two sentences amongst a million words spoken that day that followed me for twenty months, having walked out of the store never making the purchase.
I could not shake the regret of not getting a memento from that particular part of the road trip.
It plagued me…far worse than it probably should have.
But it was the first (and only) no I said to myself during those three weeks, and that did not sit well with the J now living in the more.
The one who only saw the beauty and freedom that comes with life in the yes.
–
I knew it was highly unlikely that nearly two years later this bracelet would still be there.
But when I was in Park City back in April I decided to still test my luck – regardless of the odds.
If it wasn’t there then at least I could let go and move on.
And while the idea of closure should have given me peace, I could not deny the growing fear as a question became increasing boisterous – what if its absence also means the end to another massive “what if” looming over my heart?
Would it be safer to leave the wonder without a resolution…?
There is a vast amount emotionally at stake.
More than ever before.
But I cannot live in curiosity forever…
–
I walked up and down Main Street six times passing store after store trying to recall which was the one that held the jewelry.
Walked in, walked out, walked in, walked out.
How could I not remember this?
I could tell you the exact spot he told me his brother had to cancel his trip because he got COVID.
I could tell you the exact spot he parked and, misjudging the size of his car (one he just bought from his grandmother), barely escaped nicking the front bumper of someone’s truck.
I could tell you the exact spot I saw a certain number on a license plate and could feel God redefining its meaning in my life.
I could tell you the exact spot he encouraged me to begin writing my book.
I could tell you the exact spot every single song on the Dreamland album played.
But I could not recall the location of this store…
–
“Think J, think!”
I tried to remember any defining features.
The doors…
The doors of it and the adjacent building faced one another.
We walked straight out of one into the other…which means it was next to an art gallery.
But which one?
The one with the $100,000 painting he loved? Or the one with the butterflies he had me come over and look at with him? Or the one with the horses when he admitted he is not a fan of them? Or the one with the birch trees that evoked a tale of a past ski adventure?
Or…
The one next to the restaurant we went to six months later. With the 825 in the phone number. With the business card I still have in my wallet…
All signs pointed there.
–
“Be back at 4:45” the handwritten note on the door said.
–
I walked around for the next 15 minutes killing time, accumulating more memories and emotions and a sweatshirt.
Then I made my way back to the store…whether I was ready or not.
–
I entered through the already opened door and was hit by a massive wave of nostalgia – the smell, the glass displays of jewelry all along the left side, the wood paneling, the wall of ceramic mugs, the horsehair necklaces propped up next to a painting of the mountains.
As was as if time had frozen in this shop.
Nothing had changed.
Which meant right in the middle, in front of the register, should be the table of bracelets.
–
I took a deep breath, braced my heart for impact, and readded my footsteps to the carpet that has clearly seen its fair share of snow and rain-soaked shoes…
And there it was.
Right where we left it.
The green bracelet…
–
“Looking for anything in particular?” the thick New York accent of the woman behind the desk summoned me back…my mind having wandered off with my heart at the sight before me.
Having spent most of my life with those two at war, with my body their battleground, their harmony is pure heaven.
The truest indicator of my healing.
“Actually, I just found exactly what I needed…,” my voice trailed off while placing the bracelet on my wrist.
The fact it was still there my proof that redemption has no expiration date.
–
At this point, regardless of the cost, I had to buy it – even if just as a token to remember the importance of never going against my motto… “just say yes”.
“Did I hear you mention to those customers you were from New York?” I caught fragments of their conversation while continuing to browse the store.
“I am! But ever so grateful to be away from that place.”
“As someone who also used to live on the east coast, I very much agree.”
“Love to meet a former Yankee turned Ute!” she exclaimed while boxing up my bracelet. “From having lived that life, we are lucky to know what makes this place so special.”
There was a brief silence as she took my payment. She then faced me again to speak her parting words, looking me right in the eyes.
“Keep savoring every second you call this place home. To be here is a life changing gift.”
She handed me the birch tree patterned bag.
Little did she know its contents were my evidence of the truth she spoke.
“I promise I will.”
I walked away with a tear slowly falling, the smile ever growing – overcome with the realization of what was now in my possession…after all this time…
–
One more regret resolved.
One more to go.