Clandestine Confessions

“Aaaaaall of me loves aaaaaall of you…”
It played on the radio through my car speakers as I prepared to drive to work.
Perfectly fitting the 4am mood.
Love is always louder for me before the rest of the world wakes up…
I smiled at the sound.
Blissful memories evoked the tears falling down my cheeks.
–
I put a random Spotify “Chill Vibes” playlist on shuffle while prepping the studio for the day.
A few songs in…
“Aaaaaall of me loves aaaaaall of you…”
John Legend’s voice once again hit my ears.
I quietly sang along as I wrote on our chalkboard – my emotional response rippling the chalk line of my obsessively drawn A.
–
I was sitting at the salon waiting for my 8 month overdue haircut to happen.
Only having scheduled it because I had a coupon…or else I would have attempted it myself again.
I was just about to put my headphones in to tune out the world with the few minutes I had when…
“Aaaaaall of me loves aaaaaall of you…”
The song encompassed the room.
And my heart.
My shirt becoming stained with joy’s greatest expression.
–
I got in my car and looked at the receipt.
The invoice number displayed at the top…65528.
Why of course it would be…
“What are you up to today God?” I whispered to myself.
Silence.
Still only silence…
–
It was the third song we slow danced to at the wedding.
At this point we were now professionals at this – no longer even needing to ask if either wanted to dance.
It was a given, naturally gravitating toward one another when the music changed its tone.
“How many times do I have to tell you, even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too?” He was singing along.
“Highly impressed you know all the words,” I said in a pause between lyrics, not wanting to interrupt his performance.
It was a continuation of a conversation shared an hour before after he watched me belt out “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”…and then the ten more songs that followed…
“Are there any songs you do NOT know?” astonishedly he asked.
“Yes…bluegrass.” I gave him a smirk.
“Well, that’s a relief. Would be worried about you if you were vibing with that.”
Never could I have predicted over the next two years how much artist sharing, playlist creating, and concert attending would happen between us two.
How much music would define the friendship – each memory wrapped up in a song.
All because of one night on the dance floor.
When I decided to finally give myself the opportunity to let myself be.
Authentically and wholly.
Unashamed and unafraid.
Free and alive.
And allow myself to embrace the gift of being seen…as that woman…the one I always envisioned.
–
“This is a rarity. Do not get used to it,” he replied with a laugh.
Although his singing to Glass Animals while pumping his gas six months later could have proven otherwise.
And then again while on his couch eating cookies.
And then again while grilling us burgers on his patio.
And then again while having lunch in my apartment.
His anomaly was my normal.
–
“Quite the throwback. All the way from 2013.”
“Now that part I do not remember.”
It was then, for the first time, I had to look away from him – biting my lip, fighting back the emotions.
Trying to preserve my makeup. And my happiness. And my anonymity.
Just for a little bit longer…
“It was a summer I could never forget,” it came out barely above a whisper.
Life would never be gracious enough to grant me that privilege…