Clandestine Confessions

I was sitting on my couch watching a Nicholas Sparks movie last night when I was overcome with this longing for my sister.

“Roods, I need you. More than ever.”

I followed it up with a prayer to see her. It is the same one that I speak every night before bed.

“God, please bring her into my dreams tonight. Please let me talk with her.”

–

It has been a couple months since I had the privilege to interact with her. Last time she was helping me get ready for my wedding day…making my bouquet, helping me get in my dress, driving with me to the venue.

“Sissy, you look so beautiful. And utterly blissful,” she said to me as we stood in front of the mirror. She was moving my hair to expose my necklace – the one I was adamant I needed to wear as the future groom had once complimented it. It was the only hint I received on who this man was.

“Today is your day. This is the day you prayed for. You deserve all the good this next part of life is going to bring you. J, I cannot wait for you to experience what is to come. It is going to be better than you ever could imagine. It will remind you every day why you said yes.”

I had one hand on the necklace and the other on hers that was resting on my shoulder.

“I love you sissy. So much. Thank you for holding the faith for me.”

I am sure you could imagine it was simultaneously heart breaking and heart healing to come back to reality after that dream.

As it was when I awoke this morning…

–

My prayer was answered last night.

My friend and I were in my bedroom. I was sorting through my jewelry to decide what I was keeping and what I wanted to discard.

On my bed was my phone. My sister was on speaker. I was alternating talking between him and her. I soon became aware that he was only dialoguing with me. The panic set in at the realization.

“—–, you cannot hear her, can you?”

Our eyes locked. The sorrow in his gave away his response before his words did.

“I am so sorry, J. I cannot.”

I immediately began to cry – a sight he has yet to see in dream or real world.

“I just want her to be here. I just want her to be a part of this.”

He walked over to me, pulled me in close, and kissed the side of my head. It marked the first time he would ever show such a display of affection. It flooded me with even more emotion to recognize what was happening…after all this time.

(Please note this is not reflective of something that would happen in real life at the moment…)

“I know J, I know. I wish I could take it all away. Just know you are safe. She is here. I am here.”

–

I awoke with tears falling down my face, blurring my vision to make me second guess what I was seeing out my window.

“Is that…snow?”

I got up to look outside, and I was in fact not being deceived by my crying eyes. It was a winter wonderland. Very unexpectedly so. I only equate snow to one thing…or should I say one person…these days.

I went over to my jewelry box and pulled out the two charms I was holding in the dream. They read: “Follow your yellow brick road” and “Believe”.

I bought them when I lived in Florida – right around the same time as my last phone call with my sister on her birthday.

When she told me of the love I was worthy to wait for.

Reminding me to hold out for the one who will love me how I deserve.

That better is out there for me and to never settle for less.

I climbed back in bed and stared out my window at the beauty before me.

“What are you up to God…?”