Clandestine Confessions

“I need to find a way to top your birthday gift!” I said to him while standing at my counter. It was a topic of fixation for the past month.

I was most (fearfully) certain that he was going to leave right after the successful completion of the desk. To see him walk to his familiar spot instead of to the door had me overjoyed.

I was not at all ready for this night to end.

I never am.

He was sitting on the other side of me eating the Dutch chocolate “J” a member gave me for Christmas. Consensus on that…Europe simply does it better. But this is also coming from someone who has a horribly bad taste in her mouth from the name Hershey. In multiple ways.

“That was the box of chocolates and gift cards, right?”

I nodded my head with a smile. I was proud of that one – every part of it catered to his passions and personality. A present for him to know “I see you…”

“That was above and beyond, Jenna. Nothing else is needed. Truly,” he replied after my confirmation.

“Well, it is tradition now!”

–

My mind went back to the surprise gift I sent him on December 28, 2021 (accompanied by a three-page handwritten letter…) – guaranteed the very last thing he was ever expecting to receive which made it all the more fun to give.

At that point he had only seen me twice in his life; the last time being 4 months prior.

His next words indicated his mind went there too.

“Speaking of! I wore your watch to the wedding in November. Nicest one I now own. The occasion called for it.”

I reflected back on him running into his room to grab it before we headed to dinner in Park City in February 2022 – “fancy dinner calls for a fancy watch,” he said while putting it on at the front door. A memory etched in my heart for eternity.

“But funny story,” his voice brought me back. “It stopped working during the wedding. Seems it wanted me to follow your lead.” He released a laugh at that part. It is a well-known fact about me that none of mine actually do what they are “intended” to…at least not by anyone else’s standards. Mine are all fulfilling a divine purpose I created for them.

My mind immediately inquisitively pondered at what time those hands are stuck…

Nothing is coincidence in this life. This I know by now.

–

“Does that one work?” He motioned to the watch on my right wrist. He habitually looks there every time we are together. I know he is incredibly perceptive and that puts a bit of fear in me he has noticed more on that arm than just a watch…

But neither him nor I have yet to bring it up. Although, he is sure to read about it soon…

“This may come as a shock,” I said. His smile indicated he was picking up on my sarcasm. “But it does not. This is my sister’s watch; set to 3:30, her birthday.”

It was an intentional choice for the evening. I needed her close.

I watched as his smile got bigger while his eyes got gentler. An acknowledgement of how moved he felt in me honoring her while also displaying his empathy that there was even a reason I had to wear it.

I knew what he was wanting to say without him needing to utter a word.

So, I left his body language to be the last sentence of that part of the conversation.

–

“Oh, I could get you a Rolex watch!” I spoke enthusiastically (with a trace of humor).

“Hahaha. Now that would be way way too over the top.”

My eyes moved to his duct taped sneakers by my door. The confirmation that yes, that would indeed be extreme. He is a man who gets by with little (by choice) and prefers simplicity. Our prior conversation that evening over his new oven that sings when preheating and the excessive nature of it added more evidence to his character.

“But honestly, Jenna, you have already given so much. Nothing else is necessary.”

And this is when it happened…my mind stopped overanalyzing and my heart was given a platform.

Nothing about how this evening was going was foreseen. I had zero intention to have this conversation with him…at least not anytime soon. A choice made by fear. But that fear losing its voice over the events of the past couple of hours.

–

“Can I share something with you?” I asked. I was going to speak it anyways so not too sure why I requested permission. Maybe just for validation he actually wanted to hear my next words, that the depth we were about to go was mutual…

“Absolutely.”

“I know you say it is not needed or that I do so much, but all that I do is for a reason. It is to thank you, to acknowledge you for how you have changed my life, for the ways you have contributed to my healing.”

I allowed those words to linger in the air a bit before I continued. I needed each one to be felt. To be heard.

This moment will only have a first time one time. I did not want to rush through it.

“The Jenna you have met and seen is one nobody else in this world has. And I truly mean nobody. The things you have witnessed from me are not anyone else’s normal from me; the burger at Lucky 13, the five-course dinner in Park City, the spontaneous cookies, all the random chocolate, the tiramisu at the rehearsal dinner, the continual yeses to meals together and not caring at all what you make or where we go, letting you have all control.”

I pause to give room for him to respond before I continue on.

And he did.

“I would have never guessed there was any other side of you but this one.”

“I was not sure there was one either. I came to accept I could never be her. But you proved me wrong. And it is not just what happens in those moments but what happens after…or what doesn’t happen.”

This part took everything in me to hold back the tears.

“It is the way none of it matters to my brain. How after the meal is done it is simply done. I do not obsess about it or care about what I ate or how much I ate. It is the peace, the soundness of my mind. I have not had that once in the 22 years leading up to meeting you. No amount of gifts I could ever give you would equate to the one you have given me.”

–

I had no idea how he was going to respond to this avalanche of my heart. But I could not worry anymore. It could not be stopped or undone at this point.

I simply had to lean into my trust that I knew enough about who he is to know he would not be shaken by its arrival. He has been in one before. He knows what to do…

“Can I ask you why you think that is?” he asked.

That was an easy answer. And one I spoke without hesitation.

“It is because I trust you. I feel safe around you.”

And with that came a smile I will tuck away for safe keeping, added to my list of favorites…accompanied by one from the evening before the wedding, the day I saw him on my road trip, and during a moment at his house over the summer.

Maybe one day I will share the story of each one…

“I am so glad you feel that way,” he replied.

“Thank you for making it possible to. I am forever changed for knowing you…”

–

And with that, a moment we shared less than an hour prior pushed itself to prominence in my thoughts.

A sentence he would speak that had me wondering if maybe he was catching on more than I realized…