Clandestine Confessions

From February 22, 2024..
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I woke up today with no plans for my birthday except to take advantage of my free Starbucks drink.
From which Starbucks? Your guess would have been as good as mine.
In my dream world, I would have found the Starbucks (at least that is what I thought it was) right beside a gas station my friend stopped at on August 31, 2021. We were on the way back to his house after our day out with him as my tour guide.
It was the infamous day I effortlessly spoke my yes to one day calling this place home.
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I have been wanting to find it for the last two and a half years, but the yearning to see it again was extra loud when I opened my eyes today. It was the second thought that crossed my mind.
There is one that consistently precedes all others…and has for years now…and always leads into the prayer that never ceases for every waking minute of my day.
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Why that particular location you may ask?
Well, that story in its entirety will be saved for a different day, but for now I will say there is a feeling my life has been missing lately, and I knew the exact spot where I could replicate it.
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Keep in mind, I had ZERO clue where this place would be. It was my first time ever in Utah, so I had no bearings on my surroundings, what town we were in, its proximity to anything. All I could tell you is that it was somewhere between Park City and Sugar House and a few miles south of what would be a perfect spot for an engagement.
(My brain perpetually sees things through the lens of love…I admire it deeply for that.)
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That leaves me with infinite options for there is no shortage of Starbucks around here. With that reality in mind, I wrote it off as a possibility for today. It would be a miracle to ever re-discover it.
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I reset my intention to a more practical destination and began heading south.
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(Be prepared for a bit of storytelling whiplash here as there is tale within a tale.)
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There is this billboard on the interstate that displays how many colored Bibles have been purchased so far that month from this local company.
Ever since I moved here, I told God that if ever it shows 528 that will be my sign that all will be okay…confirmation that He has heard every prayer.
The odds were not in my favor.
I only ever drive that road about once a week. Being on it at just the right time would have to be a work of God…
Which was a huge reason why I even asked Him for it to be an indicator…ask for the impossible to prove what I have come to see as an impossibility.
Surely, my fear of a forever lonely heart would be proven justified.
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But, a few months ago, it happened.
While my friend from my job at the time and I were driving to Trader Joe’s, I caught sight of the huge, bright red numbers right in time.
5
2
8
I lost my breath. I gripped the seat. My heart fluttered.
At that point, it had been seventeen months I had prayed. Waited. Had my heart broken. Been defeated. Almost given up.
And there it was.
But…I still doubted God. As I do a lot. Especially pertaining to matters of the heart. Especially when there is so much at stake. Especially when it seems too good to be true.
“I need a signier sign,” I said to myself.
Despite that LITERALLY being a sign…
However, it did instill enough faith (all one needs is a mustard seed’s worth…) for me to finally get the courage to text my friend later that day for help building my desk…which would ultimately turn into one of the most memorable, healing nights of my life.
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I never thought I would ever see it displayed again. The statistics did not side with my heart.
But I was still going to keep hoping…because I still needed more confirmation.
A few miles north of reaching that sign today I said a small prayer… “God, if you are working on the cry of my heart, do it again. Show me loudly and unmistakably that You are in this. Amen.”
The sign approached.
“Let it go J,” I said out loud. “It’s not going to happen.”
I looked up, fully prepared to be disappointed.
5
2
8
The adrenaline rushed through my body.
“No. No. No. God, you did not just do that….how?”
With trembling hands, I grabbed my phone as quick as I could to attempt to capture the number.
The tears instantaneously fell, slightly blurring my vision as I kept driving south into the great unknown…still with no idea where I was to end up…
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Five Starbucks I tried…two under construction, one in a grocery store, one being the one that gives me iced coffee instead of cold brew (there is a HUGE difference so do not think I am crazy for aborting mission on that one…haha), and one having the wrong vibe for writing (atmosphere matters…).
I was going to try one more mystery store before driving back closer to home and calling it quits on this adventure.
I typed in Starbucks into my Maps app, clicked some random location east of where I was, and began the drive.
The whole time I was singing along loudly to my cross country road trip playlist, still on the high of the 528, overtaken by the beauty of this life before me. Despite the overcast day, there was a brightness to the world, and I was captivated by it.
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“Hold up…hold up…hold up…,” I said as I approached the road of its location.
The nostalgic feeling flooded my heart before my eyes caught on to what was ahead of me. It knew this place. It has been here before.
“This cannot be real…”
I got closer.
“This is absolute insanity…utter craziness. How is this even possible?”
It was THE location…the gas station…the place I thought was a Starbucks (although the Starbucks was actually in a grocery store again…).
I pulled into the parking lot and allowed myself to take it all in…the gratitude, the bliss, the memories, the surrealness that comes with living in a miracle, the feeling I had been missing…
I sat there now speechless. The truth sank so deeply into my heart and mind that every wrong turn, every closed door, every no had led me straight to the desire of my heart.
I could not escape the sensation that this was foreshadowing what would transpire in this year ahead.
“Thank you…”
It was all I could mutter in my euphoric state.
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Upon my return to reality, I re-began my journey to a Starbucks and would ultimately end up at one a few miles south of that spot (where I sit and write this now).
So very appropriately at this point, I would be greeted there with an 828.
My confirmation this was where I was to settle for the next bit of my day.
And that nothing about this morning’s events were coincidence or worthless or not divinely orchestrated.
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I am right where I am meant to be.
All pain is finding its purpose.
In every area of my life…