Clandestine Confessions

He was different from the last time I saw him…more than just the hair.
He was reserved. But not in an inauthentic way. Honestly, he was more himself than ever before.
“Mr. I Do Not Sing” sitting in my passenger’s seat belting out “Alone” by Halsey.
“This is my favorite song of hers!” he said as he heard it playing through my speakers right as we were pulling out of the restaurant’s parking lot.
“I know…” I wanted to say. “You sent it to me one evening last summer. I was walking to my car after work when your text came through, and I just about dropped my phone. It is why it is on —–‘s Playlist Vol. 3…the one of many listed in my Spotify profile curated specifically for you…”
I remember everything.
I preserve everything.
I feel everything.
And the deeper those emotions involved, the more vivid the memory will be…both good and bad.
“It’s a good one!” I safely said instead. “We both know mine,” I continued with a laugh.
“Yes, your annual 25,000 listens of it gives that away,” he looked my way with a smirk.
It is the song that defines the healing, and I will never tire of its sound.
•
He would soon reveal mid song how he wishes he had the ability to sing.
“It is a talent I would love to have, but nobody in my family history could hold a tune,” he said while ducking lower and peering out his window to get a better look at the snow on the mountain peaks in front of us, eyeing up the likelihood of skiing them tomorrow. Only a couple weeks away from departing for Alaska, he was in full preparation mode for Denali.
I could feel his growing excitement as it correlated directly with my intensifying nervousness.
•
This confession of his would lead to the conclusion that it was never about him not liking to sing but more about feeling insecure about not being able to.
The revelation gave more definition to his identity, and how lucky I felt to be entrusted with the privilege of seeing more of who he is.
And why he is him.
•
The reservation I was sensing was in what he wasn’t saying.
This is a man who can talk unhindered, uninterrupted for hours. He will tell you every (and I mean EVERY) single detail of a story, while also providing education along the way and accompanying it with demonstrations and pictures to give the visual.
He always thanks me at the end of our time together for being the most captive audience in his life, not realizing just how much I treasure hearing those tales of his adventures. How they are stored safely in my collection of favorite moments of being alive.
But on this particular evening, the stories were intentionally missing pieces of information. Or he uncharacteristically expressed hesitancy around divulging certain details.
Like when we were talking about what to do when life offers you the opportunity to say yes to it; how it feels to confront the need to make the decision to die or live.
“I was free soloing this mountain a few years back; you have most likely seen it when at Sugar House Park. It cannot be missed. But I was doing that with sh..he..sh…a person…friend…it was with a female.”
This stumbling over words was a new development.
I brought no attention to it, letting him continue with the story as if it never happened. But that did not mean it went without deeper contemplation after leaving his house.
Especially considering he did it a second time when talking about a trip to Spain he did 10 years ago.
For me only being a friend, who has already been made aware of former girlfriends in past recollections of life moments, and for them being memories from years back, this was intriguing.
•
I have been trying hard to underthink his overthought conversations – perhaps an act of preservation…or self sabotage…(the latter I lean more towards for reasons I am not yet ready to bring to light). I am petrified to read too much into it and get myself even more emotionally invested. And then again, maybe I am supposed to in order to provide my emotions with evidence that there is indeed more to this than I will admit…
Goodness, why must my mind make matters of the heart so complicated?!?
How I wish so deeply it would allow itself to accept the safety, the peace, and just rest.
To embrace the truth it does not need to run anymore.
The search is over.
It has found home.
Finally.
•
I suppose we shall wait and see what comes to be.
It could lead to nothing.
It could lead to everything.
One scares the heart.
One scares the mind.
But both would change my life forever…