Clandestine Confessions

I was not intending on speaking about this chapter of my life until the book, and I stated as such in my last writing about this man.

Largely because I thought it would be the purpose of the book – the catalyst to the “happily ever after.”

I was most convinced I was swiftly approaching every answered prayer.

I saw it with 20/20 vision. I felt it with keen intuition. All the signs were there and had been since my eyes first met his at 15 years old.

It was, or should I clarify, HE was, to be my why.

My reason.

My heart-healer.

But instead, it/he became the greatest heartbreak of my life.

And that was an emotionally brutal reality with which to contend. Being transparent, my mind shattered even more catastrophically than the heart. The hope felt stripped from my soul. Defeat reigned as the predominant reaction to the situation, and it brought with it a darkness I had not seen in years.

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I stepped away from the story (and essentially society) to sort through the shambles of a life that resembled nothing like I envisioned. I painstakingly picked up the seemingly infinite pieces of my “perfectly” curated future and myself and attempted to assemble something that mimicked hopeful romanticism again.

I knew my creation was capable of deceiving the world, but my heart could not be fooled. It held love to too high of an esteem to be tricked by a counterfeit. But I just needed to play pretend long enough to hold my mind over while I fought my way back to stability.

Or found my way to a new distraction…(insert the dating apps).

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Despite the untimely, unfortunate ending to this story, I still knew it would need to be shared with the world. The writing of this Hallmark movie-esque romance was inevitable. There was no “if”.

The only internal debate was over the when.

And I trusted my heart would let me know the timeline for it.

So, here we are.

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Please know I look at this time of my life with so much love and gratitude. I cry tears of bliss as I reflect on it, feeling privileged I had the opportunity to live out some of the most beautiful days of my existence, feel the most life-giving emotions, and create memories I will covet in my heart for a lifetime.

I hold no resentment, no regret, no anger.

It was all too redemptive for me to even entertain an ounce of those feelings.

It would do a disservice to the experience.

And my loyalty to love is something I have promised myself I will never break.  

With that, let me tell you the tale of my “one who got away.”

I will take us back to start; the halls of the Princeton Eating Disorder Unit.

And please try to not let that little fact immediately make you negate the legitimacy of what I am about to share.

I can confirm Rihanna was right when she claimed you can find love in a hopeless place…