grief
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to love and to die – it all felt the same to me…
“I am scared to let you return home,” she said to me. We were sitting on the porch swing of her AirBnB. Three hours ago we were embracing one another for the first time in over ten years. This was not the version of me I wanted her to see after all this time, but… Continue reading
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more of a prophecy than a memory…
“I could see that for myself,” I said. Nearly in a whisper. Part of me petrified to speak it out loud and admit the undeniable pull I have been feeling to “settle down” a bit.Not in spirit. I will never allow that to happen again.Nor will I ever choose people to demand that of me… Continue reading
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the only man to receive her approval…
“So, if no cornhole yet, could I encourage you to do at least one small thing for your enjoyment? Maybe just take an evening to yourself with a good drink, taking in the scenery on your balcony.”I have sent him a few videos of my view, knowing full well New Jersey is not offering mountains… Continue reading
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a visit from my sister…
I was sitting on my couch watching a Nicholas Sparks movie last night when I was overcome with this longing for my sister. “Roods, I need you. More than ever.” I followed it up with a prayer to see her. It is the same one that I speak every night before bed. “God, please bring… Continue reading
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standing in the dichotomy…
I opened my Facebook messenger in the evening – pure habit. That was usually the time her and I would have our most honest conversations.It always felt safer to expose our darkness when the world itself had gone dim too.It still showed her online.And there was that brief reprieve from grief – the few seconds… Continue reading
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my light extinguished…
“Girl look at that body, girl look at that body, I-I-I work out…”I could hear her singing along to the song playing on the radio.It was the only source of music we had – our iPods taken away as the headphones were contraband.She gave a slight smirk, let out a little giggle under her breath… Continue reading
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the call i never expected…
“Hello, this is J. I received a missed call from you.”–It was July 12th, 2013. Around 9am. The brightest summer morning – the sun touching every square inch of my dad’s office where I was sitting at the desk publishing my daily blog.I had received a phone call from an unknown number minutes before.I let… Continue reading
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all things work together for the good…
“Where are you visiting from?”The cashier was ringing up my sweatshirt as she asked – adorned with a moose in honor of two favorite moments from two life changing drives.I was in a souvenir shop below an art gallery my friend and I visited in August 2021 – one full of enlarged photographs of Utah’s… Continue reading
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the last phone call…
March 30, 2015.The day that would unknowingly become the last time I ever heard my sister’s voice.I called to wish her a happy birthday.Which turned into a few hours of her and I catching up on life, her making me laugh, us discussing our plans for when she would be in Tampa a few weeks… Continue reading
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i want my shoes back…
I received an email a few weeks ago. “Pick up where you left off!” It was from a company in regard to a little project I was working on in winter of 2021. I say “little” so nonchalantly as if I was not setting out to alter my life forever with this gift. This was… Continue reading
About Me
I am a woman on a mission to turn her pain into purpose using her passion for writing. This blog is the journey of my becoming, excerpts from the pages of my book of life – the good and bad and everything in between – written with the intent to heal, to guide, to inspire…
I write to document the tale of a heroine slaying every dragon that comes her way for she knows she is the only one who can save herself.
I write to tell the story of a woman brought back to life; a chronicle of rebirth to show the power of hope and redemption.
I write to give meaning to every yes spoken – whether in shouts or whispers, in fear or bravery.
I write to share with the world the story of what happens when one believes in the beauty of a better tomorrow. What happens when one refuses to settle for anything less than butterflies. What happens when a mere spark you defiantly declined to let go out ignites into an inferno.
I write to open the eyes of all those who feel like the victim in their own story to see that they are not helpless or damaged or weak. They are in control. They have everything within to become the victor.
I write to speak life into the grieving to allow words laced in truth and love to mend the wounds inhibiting the heart from moving forward.
I write for the invisible to feel seen. I write to lead us all on the journey to the happily ever after….it is waiting to be lived by each of us <3
Clandestine Confessions 